Biden looking forward to repeating Hillary's Mistakes

One of the secret support signs Biden's team had printed up in 2018 seen in October

Joe Biden has announced he's running for President, and that he's eager to repeat Hillary's mistake from her failed 2016 presidential campaign. "My team has analyzed Hillary's campaign with a fine-toothed comb, the kind you use to get out lice," Biden said in his announcement speech today. "We identified several issues with her campaign, and we're looking forward to repeating them in order to maintain the democratic playbook of repetition, indecisiveness and open hypocrisy. The first thing we're going to do is underestimate Trump again. Hillary thought that just because everything he says is easy to verify as a lie that the American people would actually try to verify if what Trump said was a lie or not. What she did not take into account was that if those lies were ones that Americans wanted to hear, then they would just believe them. So we're going to do the same thing, by not spending time publically pointing out his lies. We're just going to keep it to standard intellectual avenues, like cafes and late-night talk shows."
"Which brings me to our next item. We're going to continue to act like and refer to ourselves as intellectuals. Even if we want to represent the average American, we know we're well above average, and we're going to reinforce that with awkward jokes clearly written by people who aren't professional comedians, even though we know many professional comedians who would be happy to support us with a few good jokes. We have to remember to talk down to the simpler folks, the ones that are so stupid they voted for Trump in the first place. If we don't constantly speak above them and refuse to reach out to these people, then we'll be trying something new instead of alienating them."
"Speaking trying new things, we must maintain the status quo as much as possible leading up the election. Nancy Pelosi is already helping us with this with her repeated insistence that we shouldn't try to impeach Donald Trump despite now having a literal mountain of evidence he did, in fact, try to obstruct justice, which, while definitely more illegal and more probable than an infidelitous blowjob in the Oval Office, doesn't need to met with the one of the only ways to hold a sitting President accountable for crimes they have committed. Because we can not allow ourselves to give in to the temptation of following the law and bringing down the ramifications of their actions while reminding the American people that his efforts are the Republican standard as we point out their own hypocrisy for not trying to impeach Trump over his affiliation with the Russians they claim to hate."
"Similarly, we will continue to allow our own hypocrisy to shine through, especially with me. I have openly and repeatedly touched women in a very handsy feely way, but so far I've only had to give a half-hearted apology and the Democrats have still encouraged me to run, simply because I'm not as bad as Mr. Grab Her by the You Know What. They do not wish to hold their candidates to a higher standard, despite that list of higher standards the DNC announced yesterday, because even though Hillary was punished for not holding herself to higher stand, we will continue to do the same and hope the America people don't notice."
"So that's why I'm running for President, because I hope you don't notice the other choices!"
Biden concluded the announcement by dropping balloons to Mr. Sandman by The Chordettes and walking off stage giving everyone some thumbs up.

Democrats introducing standards for Presidential Candidates

Hillary Clinton back before the DNC accidentally helped Trump win

Few people can argue that the 2016 US Election Candidacy Process was a mess for both the Republicans and the Democrats, as it caused the resignation of the Democratic National Committee Chairman Wasserman Schultz after emails of her and the committee's attempts to undermind Bernie Sanders' Presidential campaign, and the Republicans had so many candidates that they elected Donald Trump, who has single-handedly helped put more Republicans in jail than Richard Nixon.
Now with the Democrats having 20 candidates vying for the official nod, the DNC has decided to introduce standards for candidates in order to qualify. "We saw what happened with the Republicans in the last election when they had so many candidates," said DNC spokesperson Ron Peterson, "so when we got to over a dozen declared candidates we realized we had to do something to hold them to a higher standard or we risked a repetition of what happened last time to both parties. That's why we're announcing a list of potential future qualification that candidates must meet in order to for the DNC to include them in official debates and vote on their nomination. Currently, our only standards are that they file with us and meet minimum thresholds for support and fundraising. While these might have kept nominations lower in the past, the rise of social media has made clearing these much easier than it has ever been, so we felt a need to introduce qualifications that were more based on the content of their character. We probably won't be able to make these qualifications official in time for this nomination, but we feel that by announcing the intention and the list would help encourage the current candidates to try to fulfill the qualifications and hold themselves to higher standards. We also encourage other political organizations, even down to municipal levels, to see how many qualifications their candidates can meet."
The current list of suggested qualifications to meet include:

• Have they ever not told significant and easily disprovable lies such as "The Earth is Flat", "Climate Change isn't real", or "You don't need to see my taxes"?
• Are they respectful of journalists and don't favor one news organization with clear conflicts of interests and their own scandals?
• Do they not flaunt their wealth, and if they have more than a million dollars, have pledged to give the majority of their wealth away to support the less fortunate?
• Do they not pretend to have more wealth than they actually do?
• Do they not regularly spend their weekends at private clubs and parties?
• Do they not take all the credit for something that was part of a group effort?
• Do they not take credit for things they haven't done?
• Do they pass all mental fortitude tests, such as for dementia and Alzheimers?
• Are they up to date on current events, both local, national and international?
• Are they familiar with the locations and people they would be interacting with if elected?
• Have they never sexually assaulted anyone?
• Have they never bragged, joked, or made light about sexual assault, fascism, racism, sexism and/or bigotism?
• Have they never expressed fascist, racist, sexist, and/or bigoted beliefs?
• Have they never supported a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never called fascists, racists, sexists and/or bigots "good people"?
• Have they never been supported by a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never performed fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted actions?
• Have they spent time personally cleaning up the environment? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping animals? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping children? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the impoverished? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the imprisoned? How much time?
• Have they never encouraged violence?
• Have they encouraged the development of services that help citizens?

Are there any other qualifications potential presidential candidates, or even just potential politicians, should meet? Let us know below, or just send them to people who would try to hold those politicians accountable. You never know, you might get through like that.

Trump demanding Mueller resign for not getting him impeached sooner

Donald Trump attempting to tweet something coherent to his followers for once

Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Robert Mueller, but not for the reason you might think. Trump is upset that Mueller didn't release information from his report as soon as he had evidence of obstruction of justice that would have gotten him impeached. This is reportedly because Trump has been upset and anxious over the Mueller report since he found out about its existence, feeling that it would eventually destroy his Presidency and land him in jail or worse, and that Trump "just wanted it to all be over" so that he could go back to his old life, apparently under the impression he could still be a real estate mogul from jail.
Since details of the Mueller report came to light on Thursday, it has become absolutely apparent that Trump has attempted to obstruct justice on multiple occasions, among other crimes, and nearly anyone with basic political knowledge is calling upon Trump and nearly every one of his associates to resign and face impeachment. Trump, however, choose to focus the news into name calling at Mueller on Twitter, which started with insults at his inability to run a casino or manage real estate, but bizarrely turned into Trump insulting Mueller for not coming after him himself and for taking so long to drop the bombshells.

Ford tells schools to start selling beer for funding if Beer Store against Corner Store sellers

Doug Ford promoting on the job drinking, the way his brother Rob loved to be on the job

Doug Ford has reportedly told Ontario Educators that they should start selling beer if they need more funding, especially if he's going to be breaching the province's contract with authorized alcohol sellers like the Beer Store that limits the number and types of sellers in Ontario. That contract would result in several hundred million dollars having to be paid out by the province if Doug Ford's dream of beer being available at corner stores came to reality before 2025, and so Doug has reportedly been telling people, including education officials, that since he's going to be adding these violations to his long list of ongoing violations and crimes, schools might as well get in on it and start selling beer as well so that they can get the funding they need themselves and stop protesting him.
Doug has been facing regular protests from parents, grandparents, educators, students and children over his planned cuts to Ontario education to help his corporate donors have dumber and easier to manipulate clients, as well as easier to fool voters. Doug Ford himself dropped out of college 2 months in before criminal charges could be brought against him for several violations, and many are saying his proposed cuts are some misguided revenge against the many teachers who refused to let him just pass when given money. Doug has reportedly said in the past that he wanted teachers to be so poor they couldn't afford to turn away bribes so that more students like him could have an easier time in school.
It is his hope that they will also be so poor they can't afford to not sell alcohol on school property. Doug is reportedly already of the opinion that a lot of teachers are drunks, so the schools would come with a built-in clientele, and with the students getting worse education, Doug is hopefully some of them will see merit in following in his late brother Rob's footsteps and become teenage alcoholics, which would further increase "Beer Schools" client base, and that students would be able to buy beer and bring it home so their parents don't even have to leave the house to get drunk. Doug is hopeful that, coupled with his rollback on sexual education, it will result in a feedback loop of drunk teenage parents spending all their money on alcohol and into the pockets of cheap, weak, American beer producers, just like his brother envisioned.
If you're looking forward to picking up your kids and beer at the same time, let us know! There's no better time for drunk text than in internet comments.

Albertans looking forward to four years of corruption scandals and hate crimes

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney celebrating their completely platonic relationship while trying to hide erections over all the money oil companies are going to give them

Albertans have been so swayed by Jason Kenney's ability to do highly illegal things, get embroiled in scandals and support racists and bigots running in his party they have elected to make his the new Albertan Premier. We were able to get some comments last night from people celebrating the news.
"I voted for him because I thought it was funny how he thought the oil industry literally milked dinosaurs to get gas, I'm looking forward to more stuff like that," said Dillan Henson, a Keyano College student.
"I voted for him because he said he could make more oil here so that oil production would last longer and produce more, and reversing the NDP's meddling to make gas produce the greenhouse gases that cause global warming," said truck driver Cora Hammond.
"I voted for him because my husband said we should, and I trust my husband," said housewife Cecelia Mathis.
"I voted for him because prosecuting politicians for corruption is very profitable for my business, and I believe with him in control there will be a lot of things worth prosecuting UCP members for," said federal prosecutor Richard Cox.
"I voted for him because he's supporting politicians who want to keep Alberta pure for people like me, which will help us make Canada great again," said linen enthusiast James-John Maloney.
"I voted for him because he's pro-racism and turns a blind eye to hate crimes, which will make it easier for me and the boys to engage in our job," said professional Neo-Nazi Joseph Himmler.
"I voted for him because he said he was the best choice and that Rachel Notley is a woman, which sounded like a good argument to me," said cashier Ammar Sharma.
"I voted for him because he said he'd keep Alberta's taxes the lowest in the country and still fund everything that needs funding, so if he does that it'll be worth it," said the unemployed Malcolm Mercer.
"I voted for him because he's going to lower minimum wage, which means I can pay my workers less," said cleaning service manager Luke Feeney.
"I voted for him because I always vote conservative, even if I don't like them, I have too," said retired Kevin Lawson.
Those are just some of the responses we received last night, as the rest were not fit for public sharing due to unsavory, hateful or violent language. If you have any opinions on the Alberta Election, share them below.

Trump calls current President the reason for all of America's problems

Trump during his first Presidential bid in 2000

In a surprising series of tweets last night, Donald Trump went on a tirade against the US President, seemingly forgetting that that is in fact him. The tweets started at 2:47 am and went on for a little over an hour, starting when Trump said that "All these problems Americans are dealing with are the President's fault. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be under all these investigations too! WHICH HUNT!"
"If the Present was a real American he wouldn't be targetting rich people like me, because I am the picture of rich people, BELEAVE IT! That's why I'm always under audit, because he's jealous of my richness!"
"Weive all these ILLEGALS coming accross our border because we have no wall, I keep saying we need wall, wall good, wall strong, tall wall no fall, but president listen to me, smartest, richest America? No! FAKE NEWS!"
"AMERICANS want a "good" president, not the "bad" president they have. You know what I mean by "bad" right! Everybody knows what I mean, Michael Jacson made it clear they're all "bad" so remember to call them "bad"."
"That;s why the REPUBLICANS are "good" people, because they're all "good" people, but the lying democrates, they'll let "bad" people in, like the bartender and the muslim, just because NANCY told them to, because they think "bad" people can vote, which is how they trickd AMERICA into letting a "bad" man be president, even though he didn't have the popular vote!"
It is unclear if Trump forgot that he is the current president, or if for some reason he thought Barack Obama was president again, but if we have any more developments we'll let our faithful readers know.

Millionaire who drove drunk into house argues house at fault for being in his way

Marcus Duke's car tragically damaged after impact with a rural house

Millionaire Marcus Duke was in court last Friday over charges he incurred last month when he drove drunk into a house outside Virginia, Minnesota. Thankfully no one was hurt at the time, but the accident took out a corner of Margaret and Brad Kane's home, who have been unable to live in their home since due to structural damage done by the crash making it unsafe to live in until it is repaired. Marcus, however, has been fighting the charges, despite being found behind the wheel by police when they arrived on the scene, security footage from the Kanes showing the accident and that no one moved inside the vehicle until police arrived, and Marcus blowing a 0.12 when presented with a breathalyzer.
Marcus and his legal team from Dewey and Howe Law are arguing that Marcus is not at fault for the crash, but that the homeowners are the ones at fault for putting their home in his way. The crux of the lawyers' argument is the fact that the Kanes' house is one that they themselves built leading up to their retirement, and if they had built the house farther back on the property, then Marcus wouldn't have hit their house when he was driving past. They have attempted to argue that 20 feet is too close for a house to be to the road, and that the laws of Minnesota should be changed to "prevent future houses from getting in the way of important people on their way to do important things."
Judge Jenkins seemed quite receptive to the idea, agreeing that important people shouldn't have to worry about the things of lesser people getting in their way, and that road safety laws probably are overdue for updating in "this high-speed digital age". Due to how much time Marcus and his lawyers took the trial was not finished on Friday however, and are set to begin again this afternoon with the Kanes giving remarks and acting as their own lawyers due to the inability to afford one.
If anything of note happens during the trial we'll be sure to update our audience, so refresh this page constantly for the latest news.