Albertans looking forward to four years of corruption scandals and hate crimes

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney celebrating their completely platonic relationship while trying to hide erections over all the money oil companies are going to give them

Albertans have been so swayed by Jason Kenney's ability to do highly illegal things, get embroiled in scandals and support racists and bigots running in his party they have elected to make his the new Albertan Premier. We were able to get some comments last night from people celebrating the news.
"I voted for him because I thought it was funny how he thought the oil industry literally milked dinosaurs to get gas, I'm looking forward to more stuff like that," said Dillan Henson, a Keyano College student.
"I voted for him because he said he could make more oil here so that oil production would last longer and produce more, and reversing the NDP's meddling to make gas produce the greenhouse gases that cause global warming," said truck driver Cora Hammond.
"I voted for him because my husband said we should, and I trust my husband," said housewife Cecelia Mathis.
"I voted for him because prosecuting politicians for corruption is very profitable for my business, and I believe with him in control there will be a lot of things worth prosecuting UCP members for," said federal prosecutor Richard Cox.
"I voted for him because he's supporting politicians who want to keep Alberta pure for people like me, which will help us make Canada great again," said linen enthusiast James-John Maloney.
"I voted for him because he's pro-racism and turns a blind eye to hate crimes, which will make it easier for me and the boys to engage in our job," said professional Neo-Nazi Joseph Himmler.
"I voted for him because he said he was the best choice and that Rachel Notley is a woman, which sounded like a good argument to me," said cashier Ammar Sharma.
"I voted for him because he said he'd keep Alberta's taxes the lowest in the country and still fund everything that needs funding, so if he does that it'll be worth it," said the unemployed Malcolm Mercer.
"I voted for him because he's going to lower minimum wage, which means I can pay my workers less," said cleaning service manager Luke Feeney.
"I voted for him because I always vote conservative, even if I don't like them, I have too," said retired Kevin Lawson.
Those are just some of the responses we received last night, as the rest were not fit for public sharing due to unsavory, hateful or violent language. If you have any opinions on the Alberta Election, share them below.

Jason Kenney thanks racist and bigots for filling out UCP candidacies with All White Gift Baskets

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney showing off their favorite hood shape at a Paleskin Power Rally

Jason Kenney, leader of the United Conservative Party of Alberta has been personally thanking racists and bigots for being UCP candidates in the runup to the vote in Alberta on April 16th. So far over a third of UCP's 87 candidates have publically proclaimed themselves to be racist, bigots, both, or more, and not resigned or been immediately driven out of Alberta.
Mark Smith, the UCP candidate for Drayton Valley, who has served as Kenney’s UCP education critic and calls himself a close personal friend of Kenney's "that go on long Men's Retreats together to remote parts of Alberta to look for salmon and just spend time together being men", has been promoting the idea that homosexuality and pedophilia should be considered on the same level. Smith has refused to clarify if he meant that homosexuality should be outlawed or that pedophilia should be legalized, but Kenney has stuck by Smith, saying that he "stands by either change of the law, and will continue to stand behind him as I always do whenever we're together."
David Dorward, the UCP candidate for Edmonton–Gold Bar, has gone on the record criticizing laws his own government passed when he was a member of the PCs, claiming that gender-inclusive bathroom policies allowed random adult men to wander into schools and lurk in girls' washroom. When it was pointed out that this would be a criticism of school security if there was any validity to his claims, and not in fact related to the gender-inclusive policy at all despite his bigoted attempts to present it as such, he promised to attempt what he was theorizing himself to prove it was possible and has since been escorted away from over a dozen schools since. Kenney has not only stood beside Dorward, but encouraged this behavior as "he can't be proven wrong no matter how much he tries."
Shane Getson, the UCP candidate for Lac Ste. Anne–Parkland, has spent the majority of his campaign spouting far-right conspiracy theories he finds on Facebook, the most outrageous of which was a claim that the United Nations would be seizing control of Canada's border unless he was elected. When numerous people correctly pointed out that the UN wasn't doing that, let alone couldn't since they had no legal authority or military to do so, and even then that would be a federal issue, Kenney came to Getson's defense saying that it was a "legitimate perspective that more people should try to embrace, and it would be more in line with the UCP mindset."
Not all of UCP's candidates have been lucky enough to run in ridings that tolerate hate speech the way some ridings do. One of Kenney's personal picks, Caylan Ford, resigned from her candidacy in Calgary-Mountain View on the first day of the election after evidence of her support for white supremacist was reveal. Ford later said that if she hadn't been running in a Calgarian riding the revelation wouldn't have mattered, as "backwater Albertans know how to keep things pure." While Kenney condemned her comments at the time, he made sure she knew she was still a member of the party, and she has been working behind the scenes on the UCP's election efforts since, even receiving one of Kenney's Gift Baskets.
These are just some of the more prominent racists and bigots to come out during this election, but a longer list detailing just the still running UCP members who have proudly revealed themselves to be bigots and racist can be found here.
Kenney, however, seems particularly glad to have these people among his peers, which hasn't surprised anyone who has followed his career, since Kenney has repeatedly tried to block constitutional rights to LGBTQ+ people, claiming that it would "open the door to allowing [constitutional rights] to those that also commit polygamy and incest." When it was recently pointed out to him that while polygamy and incest are illegal, those people already have the same rights as anyone else in Canada and that rights are different from things regulated by laws, Kenney dismissed this as it being "what they want you to think," and refused to elaborate on what that meant, instead wanting to focus on his campaign of congratulations. This campaign of his has been to thank the UCP candidates that have been "unfairly discriminated for their views that minorities are bad people and bad for us. I've been calling them one by one to give them my thanks and let them know I was sending them each one of my patented 'Straight White Gift Basket'. It contains a white sheet with a 500 thread count made from hand-picked cotton, matching a white hood, a stylish red and black armband, and a torch! It all makes for the perfect outfit for occasions where you really want to celebrate your heritage, and I'm sure many Albertans will be showing off the whites when the UCP is voted in next week! Thanks Alberta!"
Do you have any fashion advice for politicians about to face an election? Let us know below!

UCP urges Alberta to secede to stop RCMP investigation into UCP

United Conservative Party Leader Jason Kenney taking questions from police

Jason Kenney has delivered a statement saying that 50 percent of Albertans want to leave Canadian due to tension in their hearts over the ongoing investigation into the UCP by the RCMP, and efforts by federal and provincial governments efforts to reduce damage to human health and the environmental. Kenney and the UCP is currently under investigation by the RCMP for election meddling after it was revealed that Kenney had another candidate, Jeff Callaway, enter the UCP 2017 Leadership race under his direction and funding in order to damage the campaigns of Kenney's rivals.
Kenney, upset that the public has learned about this, has spent most of the 2019 Alberta Election trying to distract Albertan, Canadians and the police from these events, and so has been delivering statements like this at various campaign stops.
The current leader in the polls and returning champion Alberta Premier NDP Leader Rachel Notley has taken full advantage of Kenney's scandals to also bring up his poor track record in both the Alberta and Canadian legislator. Kenney has been trailing in the polls to Notley since just after the election started when this scandal became public knowledge, and has according to staff become "desperate for any sort of win," even going so far as to try and get Ontario Premier Doug Ford and even US President Donald Trump to give him an endorsement, but so far neither has made any official statement about Kenney.
We'll keep our readers updated on Kenney's further scandals and the 2019 Alberta Election as we learn more.