One of the secret support signs Biden's team had printed up in 2018 seen in October
Joe Biden has announced he's running for President, and that he's eager to repeat Hillary's mistake from her failed 2016 presidential campaign. "My team has analyzed Hillary's campaign with a fine-toothed comb, the kind you use to get out lice," Biden said in his announcement speech today. "We identified several issues with her campaign, and we're looking forward to repeating them in order to maintain the democratic playbook of repetition, indecisiveness and open hypocrisy. The first thing we're going to do is underestimate Trump again. Hillary thought that just because everything he says is easy to verify as a lie that the American people would actually try to verify if what Trump said was a lie or not. What she did not take into account was that if those lies were ones that Americans wanted to hear, then they would just believe them. So we're going to do the same thing, by not spending time publically pointing out his lies. We're just going to keep it to standard intellectual avenues, like cafes and late-night talk shows."
"Which brings me to our next item. We're going to continue to act like and refer to ourselves as intellectuals. Even if we want to represent the average American, we know we're well above average, and we're going to reinforce that with awkward jokes clearly written by people who aren't professional comedians, even though we know many professional comedians who would be happy to support us with a few good jokes. We have to remember to talk down to the simpler folks, the ones that are so stupid they voted for Trump in the first place. If we don't constantly speak above them and refuse to reach out to these people, then we'll be trying something new instead of alienating them."
"Speaking trying new things, we must maintain the status quo as much as possible leading up the election. Nancy Pelosi is already helping us with this with her repeated insistence that we shouldn't try to impeach Donald Trump despite now having a literal mountain of evidence he did, in fact, try to obstruct justice, which, while definitely more illegal and more probable than an infidelitous blowjob in the Oval Office, doesn't need to met with the one of the only ways to hold a sitting President accountable for crimes they have committed. Because we can not allow ourselves to give in to the temptation of following the law and bringing down the ramifications of their actions while reminding the American people that his efforts are the Republican standard as we point out their own hypocrisy for not trying to impeach Trump over his affiliation with the Russians they claim to hate."
"Similarly, we will continue to allow our own hypocrisy to shine through, especially with me. I have openly and repeatedly touched women in a very handsy feely way, but so far I've only had to give a half-hearted apology and the Democrats have still encouraged me to run, simply because I'm not as bad as Mr. Grab Her by the You Know What. They do not wish to hold their candidates to a higher standard, despite that list of higher standards the DNC announced yesterday, because even though Hillary was punished for not holding herself to higher stand, we will continue to do the same and hope the America people don't notice."
"So that's why I'm running for President, because I hope you don't notice the other choices!"
Biden concluded the announcement by dropping balloons to Mr. Sandman by The Chordettes and walking off stage giving everyone some thumbs up.
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