Biden looking forward to repeating Hillary's Mistakes

One of the secret support signs Biden's team had printed up in 2018 seen in October

Joe Biden has announced he's running for President, and that he's eager to repeat Hillary's mistake from her failed 2016 presidential campaign. "My team has analyzed Hillary's campaign with a fine-toothed comb, the kind you use to get out lice," Biden said in his announcement speech today. "We identified several issues with her campaign, and we're looking forward to repeating them in order to maintain the democratic playbook of repetition, indecisiveness and open hypocrisy. The first thing we're going to do is underestimate Trump again. Hillary thought that just because everything he says is easy to verify as a lie that the American people would actually try to verify if what Trump said was a lie or not. What she did not take into account was that if those lies were ones that Americans wanted to hear, then they would just believe them. So we're going to do the same thing, by not spending time publically pointing out his lies. We're just going to keep it to standard intellectual avenues, like cafes and late-night talk shows."
"Which brings me to our next item. We're going to continue to act like and refer to ourselves as intellectuals. Even if we want to represent the average American, we know we're well above average, and we're going to reinforce that with awkward jokes clearly written by people who aren't professional comedians, even though we know many professional comedians who would be happy to support us with a few good jokes. We have to remember to talk down to the simpler folks, the ones that are so stupid they voted for Trump in the first place. If we don't constantly speak above them and refuse to reach out to these people, then we'll be trying something new instead of alienating them."
"Speaking trying new things, we must maintain the status quo as much as possible leading up the election. Nancy Pelosi is already helping us with this with her repeated insistence that we shouldn't try to impeach Donald Trump despite now having a literal mountain of evidence he did, in fact, try to obstruct justice, which, while definitely more illegal and more probable than an infidelitous blowjob in the Oval Office, doesn't need to met with the one of the only ways to hold a sitting President accountable for crimes they have committed. Because we can not allow ourselves to give in to the temptation of following the law and bringing down the ramifications of their actions while reminding the American people that his efforts are the Republican standard as we point out their own hypocrisy for not trying to impeach Trump over his affiliation with the Russians they claim to hate."
"Similarly, we will continue to allow our own hypocrisy to shine through, especially with me. I have openly and repeatedly touched women in a very handsy feely way, but so far I've only had to give a half-hearted apology and the Democrats have still encouraged me to run, simply because I'm not as bad as Mr. Grab Her by the You Know What. They do not wish to hold their candidates to a higher standard, despite that list of higher standards the DNC announced yesterday, because even though Hillary was punished for not holding herself to higher stand, we will continue to do the same and hope the America people don't notice."
"So that's why I'm running for President, because I hope you don't notice the other choices!"
Biden concluded the announcement by dropping balloons to Mr. Sandman by The Chordettes and walking off stage giving everyone some thumbs up.

Democrats introducing standards for Presidential Candidates

Hillary Clinton back before the DNC accidentally helped Trump win

Few people can argue that the 2016 US Election Candidacy Process was a mess for both the Republicans and the Democrats, as it caused the resignation of the Democratic National Committee Chairman Wasserman Schultz after emails of her and the committee's attempts to undermind Bernie Sanders' Presidential campaign, and the Republicans had so many candidates that they elected Donald Trump, who has single-handedly helped put more Republicans in jail than Richard Nixon.
Now with the Democrats having 20 candidates vying for the official nod, the DNC has decided to introduce standards for candidates in order to qualify. "We saw what happened with the Republicans in the last election when they had so many candidates," said DNC spokesperson Ron Peterson, "so when we got to over a dozen declared candidates we realized we had to do something to hold them to a higher standard or we risked a repetition of what happened last time to both parties. That's why we're announcing a list of potential future qualification that candidates must meet in order to for the DNC to include them in official debates and vote on their nomination. Currently, our only standards are that they file with us and meet minimum thresholds for support and fundraising. While these might have kept nominations lower in the past, the rise of social media has made clearing these much easier than it has ever been, so we felt a need to introduce qualifications that were more based on the content of their character. We probably won't be able to make these qualifications official in time for this nomination, but we feel that by announcing the intention and the list would help encourage the current candidates to try to fulfill the qualifications and hold themselves to higher standards. We also encourage other political organizations, even down to municipal levels, to see how many qualifications their candidates can meet."
The current list of suggested qualifications to meet include:

• Have they ever not told significant and easily disprovable lies such as "The Earth is Flat", "Climate Change isn't real", or "You don't need to see my taxes"?
• Are they respectful of journalists and don't favor one news organization with clear conflicts of interests and their own scandals?
• Do they not flaunt their wealth, and if they have more than a million dollars, have pledged to give the majority of their wealth away to support the less fortunate?
• Do they not pretend to have more wealth than they actually do?
• Do they not regularly spend their weekends at private clubs and parties?
• Do they not take all the credit for something that was part of a group effort?
• Do they not take credit for things they haven't done?
• Do they pass all mental fortitude tests, such as for dementia and Alzheimers?
• Are they up to date on current events, both local, national and international?
• Are they familiar with the locations and people they would be interacting with if elected?
• Have they never sexually assaulted anyone?
• Have they never bragged, joked, or made light about sexual assault, fascism, racism, sexism and/or bigotism?
• Have they never expressed fascist, racist, sexist, and/or bigoted beliefs?
• Have they never supported a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never called fascists, racists, sexists and/or bigots "good people"?
• Have they never been supported by a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never performed fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted actions?
• Have they spent time personally cleaning up the environment? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping animals? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping children? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the impoverished? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the imprisoned? How much time?
• Have they never encouraged violence?
• Have they encouraged the development of services that help citizens?

Are there any other qualifications potential presidential candidates, or even just potential politicians, should meet? Let us know below, or just send them to people who would try to hold those politicians accountable. You never know, you might get through like that.

Republicans contemplating impeaching Trump to launch their presidential campaign

Several Republicans were reported having a meeting to discuss impeaching Donald Trump in an effort to boost their own chances of becoming the Republican presidential candidate. "It's not surprising," political analyst David Oyster commented, "given that Trump's been polling at his lowest yet, and the Democrats seem to be organizing themselves better this time, they're probably getting worried that if they let Trump continue as is they'll loose the election. Considering how the Mid-term Elections went, I can't blame them."

"Plus they have a lot to work with, given how, well deplorable Trump has been and his past actions are coming out to haunt him, they could easily jump on that and point out the contradictions in his actions. The question will be though, will there be an opportune time to flip on Donald? That's probably what this meeting was about, at what point do we toss him out. Because as much as the Republicans probably don't actually like Trump, they're probably afraid to split from the party line for fear of splitting the party. The Tea Party nearly did that, and they know that the Democrats are much more resistant to division within the party, so if the Republicans aren't united, there's a good chance the whole party will break apart. So they're probably just calculating the best time," Oyster concluded.

If we learn more about Republican secret meetings, we'll let our readers know.

Democrat Presidential Candidate begin auditions for animal associates

Two dogs waiting to begin their audition

As the 2020 Presidential Campaign heats up, several candidates have already been using their family pets for photo ops, and after Elizabeth Warren got favorable press with her dog Bailey, those without pets have begun their own actual auditions for animal associates. Jason Sangelo, a candidate from California who is holding auditions, with points awarded for tricks and performance. "They've got to be able to walk the walk," Jason explained, "I'm going to need these four legged friends to wow the crowd as much as I do. So far dogs are doing better than the cats, since they can do the agility course faster thanks to their longer legs, but there have been some cats holding their own. I may have to get one of each, that would cover both dog people and cat people as well, so I'd get better polling numbers there, we'll have to see, I've still got a few more days of auditions to go through, including some more unusual animals. There's a lot of talent here in California, and I plan on finding the best talent to help me on the campaign trail!" Jason pledged.

We'll keep our readers updated on more animal stories as they become available.