Doug Ford reveals plan to allow betting on kids' performance in school

Doug Ford looking over "his racehorses" in test of his school betting plan

Doug Ford revealed a new plan to help fund schools, by allowing people to bet on children's performances. "We bet on horse races, so why not kid races?" Ford said. "That's easy to do, that's why we're here today, to do some dry runs. Heh, I just got that, dry run. Anyway, as part of my efforts to expand gambling options in Ontario, we're going to be having some kids run today and I've setup some of my friend to bet on them. In the future we want to bet on more than racing, like tests, projects, exams, all that stuff that kids get judged on. They're already going to be judged on all that anyway, so we should be profiting off it."
"So what we're looking to do is set up cameras in all the classrooms, we got a Chinese firm already offering us a good deal, which will let us stream the kids to people out there so they can watch how they're doing and then bet on how which kids they think will do well on the next test or project or whatever. This will also help with larger class sizes since we'll have more eyes in the classroom, and if kids are getting a lot of bets on them they might even be able to take a cut of that money for themselves. It'll be a great incentive to do well in school."
Critics have been quick to point out the privacy concerns of live-streaming children, as well as the possibility of making grades a competition between the children with cash prizes. Doug dismissed these concerns, saying "Kids already have tons of cellphones, they don't have any privacy anymore, so stop whining. Kids have to learn don't they, and what better way to learn they'll always be minnows that by letting sharks watch them all the time and maybe throw them some fish food if they perform well. It'll be teaching kids about real life, that's all I've ever tried to do, teach kids about real life. You try to impress people, you knock up some broad up, you inherit a business from your father, you get hated by people for telling them the truth, that's life you know. So teaching that to kids is a good thing isn't it? Now then, I've got to get over to the betting table, the races are about to begin."
Doug then proceeded to loose $200 on the kid races that day, although we were unable to confirm if that was real money or test money as Doug didn't seem to want to talk about it, saying it "wasn't worth paying attention to". We'll let our readers know more, like how to identify the best kids to bet on, in the future, so keep tuned fine readers!

Ford to parents: "Larger class sizes will help cull weak children"

Doug Ford is sticking to his plans to increase class sizes in Ontario, as official statements from his office revealed today. The statement, called "Making Ontario Schools Better Through Better Student" cites studies that larger class sizes increase the rate of youth suicide, and that this will "help cull weak children from the system, making Ontario stronger as we focus our resources on the more deserving".
This has understandably upset school officials and parents, who are arguing that school environments shouldn't be ones that push children to suicide, let alone those environments being something governments want to create. This has spurned more calls for continuing protests against the embattled premier, with several youth organizers helping out. "We've been learning about how big a bully politicians like Mr Ford can be," 9th grader Samantha Dion commented at a protest, "and if he's going to act like that, something needs to be done to stop him. So we're going to protest him, and do whatever else we can think of." Student organizations are already brainstorming possibilities, ranging from peaceful protest to legal action, and are asking people to seek out and aid any local organizations that seek to challenge and protest Doug Ford.
If you know of any local protests or other interesting possibilities, please let us know in the comments below.

Study finds politicians that don't listen to scientists also give in to children's tantrums

A new preliminary study out of the US this week has revealed that politicians who voted with public opinion are extremely likely to give in to a child's temper tantrum when presented with one. The study selected a mix of federal and state level politicians, ranking them according to their "independent ideas" rating, based on factors like history of introducing new bills, number of scientific advisers on staff, and their voting history tracked closely with public opinions taken from google search results for their representative area, and with the aid of their staff put these politicians in a scenario alone with a child pretending to throw a temper tantrum. The children were actors instructed to act as temperamental as possible and demand all the ice cream, 3 large tubs of it, in a nearby freezer, while researchers and the child's parents watched.
While most politicians started by trying to find the child's parents without leaving the child alone, and a few attempted to ignore the child, but eventually all of the politicians interacted  with the child, and the researchers noted a direct correlation with their ranking and what they did. Those with "independent ideas" ratings in the bottom 20%, politicians who self identified as people who only did as their voters wanted, were 158% more likely that the next lowest 20% to give the child ice cream within 5 minutes of engaging the child, with the 23 lowest rated politicians completely caved to the child's demands and gave the child all 3 ice cream tubs. As the politician's rating increased,  the chances they would give the child ice cream decreased along with the amount of ice cream they would give the child, with the second highest 20% frequently managing to talk the child into accepting a spoonful of ice cream until their parents return and give the okay for the child to get more. The top 20% spent their interactions with the child talking to them and trying to help them calm down enough to have a discussion about why they wanted the ice cream, and how their parents would feel if they had ice cream with out them.
The researchers are still analyzing all of their data, but confirmed that "it was almost completely consistent between our ranking and how they handled [the child]. We're probably going to have to do some further studies after we're done compiling everything, but this research is very promising. I think we've got a lot to look forward here."
We'll update our readers when further studies are released.