Biden looking forward to repeating Hillary's Mistakes

One of the secret support signs Biden's team had printed up in 2018 seen in October

Joe Biden has announced he's running for President, and that he's eager to repeat Hillary's mistake from her failed 2016 presidential campaign. "My team has analyzed Hillary's campaign with a fine-toothed comb, the kind you use to get out lice," Biden said in his announcement speech today. "We identified several issues with her campaign, and we're looking forward to repeating them in order to maintain the democratic playbook of repetition, indecisiveness and open hypocrisy. The first thing we're going to do is underestimate Trump again. Hillary thought that just because everything he says is easy to verify as a lie that the American people would actually try to verify if what Trump said was a lie or not. What she did not take into account was that if those lies were ones that Americans wanted to hear, then they would just believe them. So we're going to do the same thing, by not spending time publically pointing out his lies. We're just going to keep it to standard intellectual avenues, like cafes and late-night talk shows."
"Which brings me to our next item. We're going to continue to act like and refer to ourselves as intellectuals. Even if we want to represent the average American, we know we're well above average, and we're going to reinforce that with awkward jokes clearly written by people who aren't professional comedians, even though we know many professional comedians who would be happy to support us with a few good jokes. We have to remember to talk down to the simpler folks, the ones that are so stupid they voted for Trump in the first place. If we don't constantly speak above them and refuse to reach out to these people, then we'll be trying something new instead of alienating them."
"Speaking trying new things, we must maintain the status quo as much as possible leading up the election. Nancy Pelosi is already helping us with this with her repeated insistence that we shouldn't try to impeach Donald Trump despite now having a literal mountain of evidence he did, in fact, try to obstruct justice, which, while definitely more illegal and more probable than an infidelitous blowjob in the Oval Office, doesn't need to met with the one of the only ways to hold a sitting President accountable for crimes they have committed. Because we can not allow ourselves to give in to the temptation of following the law and bringing down the ramifications of their actions while reminding the American people that his efforts are the Republican standard as we point out their own hypocrisy for not trying to impeach Trump over his affiliation with the Russians they claim to hate."
"Similarly, we will continue to allow our own hypocrisy to shine through, especially with me. I have openly and repeatedly touched women in a very handsy feely way, but so far I've only had to give a half-hearted apology and the Democrats have still encouraged me to run, simply because I'm not as bad as Mr. Grab Her by the You Know What. They do not wish to hold their candidates to a higher standard, despite that list of higher standards the DNC announced yesterday, because even though Hillary was punished for not holding herself to higher stand, we will continue to do the same and hope the America people don't notice."
"So that's why I'm running for President, because I hope you don't notice the other choices!"
Biden concluded the announcement by dropping balloons to Mr. Sandman by The Chordettes and walking off stage giving everyone some thumbs up.

Democrats introducing standards for Presidential Candidates

Hillary Clinton back before the DNC accidentally helped Trump win

Few people can argue that the 2016 US Election Candidacy Process was a mess for both the Republicans and the Democrats, as it caused the resignation of the Democratic National Committee Chairman Wasserman Schultz after emails of her and the committee's attempts to undermind Bernie Sanders' Presidential campaign, and the Republicans had so many candidates that they elected Donald Trump, who has single-handedly helped put more Republicans in jail than Richard Nixon.
Now with the Democrats having 20 candidates vying for the official nod, the DNC has decided to introduce standards for candidates in order to qualify. "We saw what happened with the Republicans in the last election when they had so many candidates," said DNC spokesperson Ron Peterson, "so when we got to over a dozen declared candidates we realized we had to do something to hold them to a higher standard or we risked a repetition of what happened last time to both parties. That's why we're announcing a list of potential future qualification that candidates must meet in order to for the DNC to include them in official debates and vote on their nomination. Currently, our only standards are that they file with us and meet minimum thresholds for support and fundraising. While these might have kept nominations lower in the past, the rise of social media has made clearing these much easier than it has ever been, so we felt a need to introduce qualifications that were more based on the content of their character. We probably won't be able to make these qualifications official in time for this nomination, but we feel that by announcing the intention and the list would help encourage the current candidates to try to fulfill the qualifications and hold themselves to higher standards. We also encourage other political organizations, even down to municipal levels, to see how many qualifications their candidates can meet."
The current list of suggested qualifications to meet include:

• Have they ever not told significant and easily disprovable lies such as "The Earth is Flat", "Climate Change isn't real", or "You don't need to see my taxes"?
• Are they respectful of journalists and don't favor one news organization with clear conflicts of interests and their own scandals?
• Do they not flaunt their wealth, and if they have more than a million dollars, have pledged to give the majority of their wealth away to support the less fortunate?
• Do they not pretend to have more wealth than they actually do?
• Do they not regularly spend their weekends at private clubs and parties?
• Do they not take all the credit for something that was part of a group effort?
• Do they not take credit for things they haven't done?
• Do they pass all mental fortitude tests, such as for dementia and Alzheimers?
• Are they up to date on current events, both local, national and international?
• Are they familiar with the locations and people they would be interacting with if elected?
• Have they never sexually assaulted anyone?
• Have they never bragged, joked, or made light about sexual assault, fascism, racism, sexism and/or bigotism?
• Have they never expressed fascist, racist, sexist, and/or bigoted beliefs?
• Have they never supported a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never called fascists, racists, sexists and/or bigots "good people"?
• Have they never been supported by a fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted organization?
• Have they never performed fascist, racist, sexist and/or bigoted actions?
• Have they spent time personally cleaning up the environment? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping animals? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping children? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the impoverished? How much time?
• Have they spent time personally helping the imprisoned? How much time?
• Have they never encouraged violence?
• Have they encouraged the development of services that help citizens?

Are there any other qualifications potential presidential candidates, or even just potential politicians, should meet? Let us know below, or just send them to people who would try to hold those politicians accountable. You never know, you might get through like that.

Trump demanding Mueller resign for not getting him impeached sooner

Donald Trump attempting to tweet something coherent to his followers for once

Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Robert Mueller, but not for the reason you might think. Trump is upset that Mueller didn't release information from his report as soon as he had evidence of obstruction of justice that would have gotten him impeached. This is reportedly because Trump has been upset and anxious over the Mueller report since he found out about its existence, feeling that it would eventually destroy his Presidency and land him in jail or worse, and that Trump "just wanted it to all be over" so that he could go back to his old life, apparently under the impression he could still be a real estate mogul from jail.
Since details of the Mueller report came to light on Thursday, it has become absolutely apparent that Trump has attempted to obstruct justice on multiple occasions, among other crimes, and nearly anyone with basic political knowledge is calling upon Trump and nearly every one of his associates to resign and face impeachment. Trump, however, choose to focus the news into name calling at Mueller on Twitter, which started with insults at his inability to run a casino or manage real estate, but bizarrely turned into Trump insulting Mueller for not coming after him himself and for taking so long to drop the bombshells.

Ford tells schools to start selling beer for funding if Beer Store against Corner Store sellers

Doug Ford promoting on the job drinking, the way his brother Rob loved to be on the job

Doug Ford has reportedly told Ontario Educators that they should start selling beer if they need more funding, especially if he's going to be breaching the province's contract with authorized alcohol sellers like the Beer Store that limits the number and types of sellers in Ontario. That contract would result in several hundred million dollars having to be paid out by the province if Doug Ford's dream of beer being available at corner stores came to reality before 2025, and so Doug has reportedly been telling people, including education officials, that since he's going to be adding these violations to his long list of ongoing violations and crimes, schools might as well get in on it and start selling beer as well so that they can get the funding they need themselves and stop protesting him.
Doug has been facing regular protests from parents, grandparents, educators, students and children over his planned cuts to Ontario education to help his corporate donors have dumber and easier to manipulate clients, as well as easier to fool voters. Doug Ford himself dropped out of college 2 months in before criminal charges could be brought against him for several violations, and many are saying his proposed cuts are some misguided revenge against the many teachers who refused to let him just pass when given money. Doug has reportedly said in the past that he wanted teachers to be so poor they couldn't afford to turn away bribes so that more students like him could have an easier time in school.
It is his hope that they will also be so poor they can't afford to not sell alcohol on school property. Doug is reportedly already of the opinion that a lot of teachers are drunks, so the schools would come with a built-in clientele, and with the students getting worse education, Doug is hopefully some of them will see merit in following in his late brother Rob's footsteps and become teenage alcoholics, which would further increase "Beer Schools" client base, and that students would be able to buy beer and bring it home so their parents don't even have to leave the house to get drunk. Doug is hopeful that, coupled with his rollback on sexual education, it will result in a feedback loop of drunk teenage parents spending all their money on alcohol and into the pockets of cheap, weak, American beer producers, just like his brother envisioned.
If you're looking forward to picking up your kids and beer at the same time, let us know! There's no better time for drunk text than in internet comments.

Albertans looking forward to four years of corruption scandals and hate crimes

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney celebrating their completely platonic relationship while trying to hide erections over all the money oil companies are going to give them

Albertans have been so swayed by Jason Kenney's ability to do highly illegal things, get embroiled in scandals and support racists and bigots running in his party they have elected to make his the new Albertan Premier. We were able to get some comments last night from people celebrating the news.
"I voted for him because I thought it was funny how he thought the oil industry literally milked dinosaurs to get gas, I'm looking forward to more stuff like that," said Dillan Henson, a Keyano College student.
"I voted for him because he said he could make more oil here so that oil production would last longer and produce more, and reversing the NDP's meddling to make gas produce the greenhouse gases that cause global warming," said truck driver Cora Hammond.
"I voted for him because my husband said we should, and I trust my husband," said housewife Cecelia Mathis.
"I voted for him because prosecuting politicians for corruption is very profitable for my business, and I believe with him in control there will be a lot of things worth prosecuting UCP members for," said federal prosecutor Richard Cox.
"I voted for him because he's supporting politicians who want to keep Alberta pure for people like me, which will help us make Canada great again," said linen enthusiast James-John Maloney.
"I voted for him because he's pro-racism and turns a blind eye to hate crimes, which will make it easier for me and the boys to engage in our job," said professional Neo-Nazi Joseph Himmler.
"I voted for him because he said he was the best choice and that Rachel Notley is a woman, which sounded like a good argument to me," said cashier Ammar Sharma.
"I voted for him because he said he'd keep Alberta's taxes the lowest in the country and still fund everything that needs funding, so if he does that it'll be worth it," said the unemployed Malcolm Mercer.
"I voted for him because he's going to lower minimum wage, which means I can pay my workers less," said cleaning service manager Luke Feeney.
"I voted for him because I always vote conservative, even if I don't like them, I have too," said retired Kevin Lawson.
Those are just some of the responses we received last night, as the rest were not fit for public sharing due to unsavory, hateful or violent language. If you have any opinions on the Alberta Election, share them below.

Trump calls current President the reason for all of America's problems

Trump during his first Presidential bid in 2000

In a surprising series of tweets last night, Donald Trump went on a tirade against the US President, seemingly forgetting that that is in fact him. The tweets started at 2:47 am and went on for a little over an hour, starting when Trump said that "All these problems Americans are dealing with are the President's fault. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be under all these investigations too! WHICH HUNT!"
"If the Present was a real American he wouldn't be targetting rich people like me, because I am the picture of rich people, BELEAVE IT! That's why I'm always under audit, because he's jealous of my richness!"
"Weive all these ILLEGALS coming accross our border because we have no wall, I keep saying we need wall, wall good, wall strong, tall wall no fall, but president listen to me, smartest, richest America? No! FAKE NEWS!"
"AMERICANS want a "good" president, not the "bad" president they have. You know what I mean by "bad" right! Everybody knows what I mean, Michael Jacson made it clear they're all "bad" so remember to call them "bad"."
"That;s why the REPUBLICANS are "good" people, because they're all "good" people, but the lying democrates, they'll let "bad" people in, like the bartender and the muslim, just because NANCY told them to, because they think "bad" people can vote, which is how they trickd AMERICA into letting a "bad" man be president, even though he didn't have the popular vote!"
It is unclear if Trump forgot that he is the current president, or if for some reason he thought Barack Obama was president again, but if we have any more developments we'll let our faithful readers know.

Millionaire who drove drunk into house argues house at fault for being in his way

Marcus Duke's car tragically damaged after impact with a rural house

Millionaire Marcus Duke was in court last Friday over charges he incurred last month when he drove drunk into a house outside Virginia, Minnesota. Thankfully no one was hurt at the time, but the accident took out a corner of Margaret and Brad Kane's home, who have been unable to live in their home since due to structural damage done by the crash making it unsafe to live in until it is repaired. Marcus, however, has been fighting the charges, despite being found behind the wheel by police when they arrived on the scene, security footage from the Kanes showing the accident and that no one moved inside the vehicle until police arrived, and Marcus blowing a 0.12 when presented with a breathalyzer.
Marcus and his legal team from Dewey and Howe Law are arguing that Marcus is not at fault for the crash, but that the homeowners are the ones at fault for putting their home in his way. The crux of the lawyers' argument is the fact that the Kanes' house is one that they themselves built leading up to their retirement, and if they had built the house farther back on the property, then Marcus wouldn't have hit their house when he was driving past. They have attempted to argue that 20 feet is too close for a house to be to the road, and that the laws of Minnesota should be changed to "prevent future houses from getting in the way of important people on their way to do important things."
Judge Jenkins seemed quite receptive to the idea, agreeing that important people shouldn't have to worry about the things of lesser people getting in their way, and that road safety laws probably are overdue for updating in "this high-speed digital age". Due to how much time Marcus and his lawyers took the trial was not finished on Friday however, and are set to begin again this afternoon with the Kanes giving remarks and acting as their own lawyers due to the inability to afford one.
If anything of note happens during the trial we'll be sure to update our audience, so refresh this page constantly for the latest news.

Doug Ford Dedicates Public Drinking law to his Late Brother Rob

Rob Ford laughing as his brother Doug makes fun of a cancer patient in 2014

Doug Ford has unveiled his budget for Ontario's next fiscal year, including plans for legislation that would be dedicated in memory of his late brother, Rob "The Crack Mayor" Ford. The dedication came as a surprise move to many, particularly since most laws dedicated to people are done so because that person was the victim of something people now want to prevent from happening again. This proposal, however, would give municipalities the decision of allowing public drinking in parks and outside sporting events. Public drinking was something Rob was known for, being under investigation for public drinking and urination outside a school at the time of his death/
"Rob's insobriety was the biggest part of who he was," Ontario Finance Minister Vic Fedeli said after revealing the budget, "so it's no surprise to me why Doug wants to create an environment where Ontarians could emulate Rob's drunken ways. Rob would be proud to have his name on this, and if he were alive he'd be using it to get as much free beer and crack as he could. That's brotherly love isn't, and now whenever someone sees someone drinking in public, they'll remember Rob Ford."
There are also rumors that since Doug has been claiming to be haunted by a ghost as we previously reported, that ghost is, in fact, his late brother Rob, and this proposed law is an attempt to appease his brother's spirit so that it might pass on. Doug has so far refused to comment on why he previously hired exorcists, and has so far not taken any questions from reporters, but we have our sources so we'll let our readers know if any spiritual sightings take place around Doug Ford.
If you've seen any public drunks who act like people can't see them, let us know! You never know when you've actually seen a ghost!

Police called after Anti-Vaxxers and PETA get into gun fight

PETA protesters attempting to use nudity to distract from their methods

A fight broke out yesterday in Columbia, South Carolina at Sesquicentennial State Park between a group of PETA protestors and a local Anti-Vaxxination group. The protestors had gone to the park to protest against people owning pets and offering free euthanasia for animals "tainted by human ownership", while the Anti-Vaxxers were holding a barbeque and membership drive. Eventually, the protestors came across the barbeque and started verbally accosting the Anti-Vaxxers over their dinner and the pets some of them had brought. Hiker Naomi Amuri, who witnessed the events first hand, had this to say.
"So the Anti-Vaxxers were all around the barbeques and picnic tables, mostly trying to ignore PETA, who honestly were doing a shit job of their protesting since the only chant they seemed to know was their overused 'Meat is Murder' line, which didn't seem to phase the Anti-Vaxxers at all. It wasn't until one of the protesters started insulting their dogs that the Anti-Vaxxers started getting riled up and throwing insults back. It got pretty heated with a lot of swearing, thankfully neither side had any children to here, especially with how things went. But PETA really started insulting the dogs and how they were dressed in black and stuff, I didn't really get why they were dressed like that, it was pretty weird, but this really hit a nerve with the Anti-Vaxxers. Some of the guys started agresively approaching PETA and waving barbeque pokers around, so the protesters started waving their signs around trying to hit the Anti-Vaxxers, and I don't know who pulled a gun first, but all of a sudden there was like a dozen guns out pointed at each."
"People started screaming and those that hadn't been acting like idiots were running away or diving for cover. I got behind a tree, I could hear them yelling but I didn't dare look out. I've seen movies, that's how you get shot first. So I was just hoping they'd calm down and realize what kind of situation they were in, but nope, they just kept shouting at one another, and then there was shooting. It was terrifying, I could hear them out there moaning in pain. Thankfully somebody had called 911 at some point, they said the police were here pretty quickly, but it felt like an eternity to me behind that tree. I'll probably have nightmares about it for the rest of my life."
Current police reports have it that thankfully no animals were injured, while 7 people were shot resulting in minor injuries, and that all 7 had been part of the two group's escalations, but refused to identify the victims or their affiliations at this time, as all of the shooters were white and the police had just let them off with warnings before arresting two nearby black men at the park for resisting arrest. The Columbia City Parks and Recreation Department has said that they will not be returning the Anti-Vaxxers' damage deposit, however, due to one of the bullets damaging a tree.
If anyone else does anything to prevent the return of a damage deposit, we'll let our readers know here, so check back regularly for more!

Knights Party announce progress with Time Machine Development

The current Time Chamber Prototype, without the "patented pending time radiators" installed

The Knights Party public relations department announced today that they have made significant progress with the development of a Time Machine. "We are pleased to announce that we here in the Knights Party's Time Machine Making Clan have made a Time Machine that can go forward in time!" Department manager Billy-Rae Bobbett announced. "Thanks to the work of our head scientist, Doctor Rickenbacker, we've been able to successfully travel forward in time. I have gone forward a few hours 3 times so far, it's great for skipping over boring parts of the day. The Doctor, he designed and build this time chamber that you shut yourself in, oh, but you've got to remember to take these special drugs to protect yourself from the time radiation you'll be exposed to. So you shut yourself in the chamber, you'll travel through time and then be a couple hours in the future. Time traveling kind of feels like a dream, and you might have visions of other times and stuff, but you do feel well rested afterward. So far we haven't had the best control of how many hours into the future you go, but we're confident we can get better with more testing, and once we've got going forward in time down, it should be easy figuring out how to go backward."
"We've been working on making a Time Machine for nearly a few years now, so we can go back in time and relive the glory days like the Confederacy. We came up with the idea after Trump said he wanted to Make America Great Again, why do that when you can just go back to when it was great? We've always been good at keeping the past in the present, but just think of how grand it would be if you can go back to the Slavery days, to the Confederacy, before Segregation, that's at least 3 places to go and experience the good old day, and we want to get there first before all the other time travelers show up and it gets crowded, so we've got to invent it first. And the Doctor, he's been working for folks like us for a long time, and after we made him an offer he couldn't refuse, he agreed to work on the time machine. Before him we weren't having much progress, mostly 'cause it was just me and Mark testing out guns shotting microwaves and other time stuff to see if that did anything. Some of it blew up real good, we made lots of notes on that kind of stuff for when we need to blow other stuff up, but the Docter explained what we were doing wrong. Well, he tried at least, me and Mark didn't understand all too much of it, Mark not as much as me, so we just told him to do what he needed to do and we'd get him what he needed. You should talk to him about it, he's over there in the corner behind the wood stock rifle rack. He loves getting in behind stuff like that and hide away from people, reminds me of a hamster I had as a kid. And a dog, and a cat, and a lizard too. I went through a lot of animals." Billy-Rae said before drifting off in thought and not answering any more questions.

"Yes, I am Doctor Rickenbacker. I came to work, or razer my grandfazer came to work in America after ze war, you know ze one. I, we have always been men of science, and zese, uh, how to say, fine young men, zey have also been interested in science. Billy-Rae can talk endlessly about ze composition of animals like you would not believe, I keep zinking he'll run out at some point, but no, he just keeps going and going like zat rabbit. And Mark, he knows all about ze aliens zat have visited ze Earth, all 254, because mankind is ze 255th zat will unite zem all and fulfill an unspoken grand destiny. Zat is what he keeps telling me at any rate. But I listen, because zey are men of science, and have generous benefactors zat help fund my, our research. And zey have guns, lots of guns zat zey are firing behind the lab constantly, saying zey have to keep practicing... but zey have ze guns so I listen!" Doctor Rickenbacker proceeded to laugh awkwardly for several minutes after this before regaining his composure. "You ah, you haven't figured out how ze chamber work have you? Billy-Rae, he talks a lot, and it would be bad if he, let somezing slip, da?" After being reassured that Billy-Rae had not revealed the technology behind how the chamber works, Doctor Rickenbacker seemed much more at ease. "I was honestly not expecting anyone to show up for zis press conference, most people know the place to be with ze Ku-less is out of range. You don't have someone point a gun at you, do you? Don't answer that, I zink it would be better to not know. We all have zings we have to keep to ourselves yes? I wish you luck with your article."

No other officials of the Knights Party were willing to speak on the record, so we'll just have to wait to see what other claims people make, time related or otherwise. If you find yourself in a time and place you're not familiar with, let us know, as soon as you can, it'll make for an interesting article.

Jason Kenney thanks racist and bigots for filling out UCP candidacies with All White Gift Baskets

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney showing off their favorite hood shape at a Paleskin Power Rally

Jason Kenney, leader of the United Conservative Party of Alberta has been personally thanking racists and bigots for being UCP candidates in the runup to the vote in Alberta on April 16th. So far over a third of UCP's 87 candidates have publically proclaimed themselves to be racist, bigots, both, or more, and not resigned or been immediately driven out of Alberta.
Mark Smith, the UCP candidate for Drayton Valley, who has served as Kenney’s UCP education critic and calls himself a close personal friend of Kenney's "that go on long Men's Retreats together to remote parts of Alberta to look for salmon and just spend time together being men", has been promoting the idea that homosexuality and pedophilia should be considered on the same level. Smith has refused to clarify if he meant that homosexuality should be outlawed or that pedophilia should be legalized, but Kenney has stuck by Smith, saying that he "stands by either change of the law, and will continue to stand behind him as I always do whenever we're together."
David Dorward, the UCP candidate for Edmonton–Gold Bar, has gone on the record criticizing laws his own government passed when he was a member of the PCs, claiming that gender-inclusive bathroom policies allowed random adult men to wander into schools and lurk in girls' washroom. When it was pointed out that this would be a criticism of school security if there was any validity to his claims, and not in fact related to the gender-inclusive policy at all despite his bigoted attempts to present it as such, he promised to attempt what he was theorizing himself to prove it was possible and has since been escorted away from over a dozen schools since. Kenney has not only stood beside Dorward, but encouraged this behavior as "he can't be proven wrong no matter how much he tries."
Shane Getson, the UCP candidate for Lac Ste. Anne–Parkland, has spent the majority of his campaign spouting far-right conspiracy theories he finds on Facebook, the most outrageous of which was a claim that the United Nations would be seizing control of Canada's border unless he was elected. When numerous people correctly pointed out that the UN wasn't doing that, let alone couldn't since they had no legal authority or military to do so, and even then that would be a federal issue, Kenney came to Getson's defense saying that it was a "legitimate perspective that more people should try to embrace, and it would be more in line with the UCP mindset."
Not all of UCP's candidates have been lucky enough to run in ridings that tolerate hate speech the way some ridings do. One of Kenney's personal picks, Caylan Ford, resigned from her candidacy in Calgary-Mountain View on the first day of the election after evidence of her support for white supremacist was reveal. Ford later said that if she hadn't been running in a Calgarian riding the revelation wouldn't have mattered, as "backwater Albertans know how to keep things pure." While Kenney condemned her comments at the time, he made sure she knew she was still a member of the party, and she has been working behind the scenes on the UCP's election efforts since, even receiving one of Kenney's Gift Baskets.
These are just some of the more prominent racists and bigots to come out during this election, but a longer list detailing just the still running UCP members who have proudly revealed themselves to be bigots and racist can be found here.
Kenney, however, seems particularly glad to have these people among his peers, which hasn't surprised anyone who has followed his career, since Kenney has repeatedly tried to block constitutional rights to LGBTQ+ people, claiming that it would "open the door to allowing [constitutional rights] to those that also commit polygamy and incest." When it was recently pointed out to him that while polygamy and incest are illegal, those people already have the same rights as anyone else in Canada and that rights are different from things regulated by laws, Kenney dismissed this as it being "what they want you to think," and refused to elaborate on what that meant, instead wanting to focus on his campaign of congratulations. This campaign of his has been to thank the UCP candidates that have been "unfairly discriminated for their views that minorities are bad people and bad for us. I've been calling them one by one to give them my thanks and let them know I was sending them each one of my patented 'Straight White Gift Basket'. It contains a white sheet with a 500 thread count made from hand-picked cotton, matching a white hood, a stylish red and black armband, and a torch! It all makes for the perfect outfit for occasions where you really want to celebrate your heritage, and I'm sure many Albertans will be showing off the whites when the UCP is voted in next week! Thanks Alberta!"
Do you have any fashion advice for politicians about to face an election? Let us know below!

Conservatives tell Ford to stop screwing over schools because it's getting young organized

Doug Ford trying to respond to complaints from fellow Conservatives as others begin plotting his removal

Ontario Conservatives are angry at their leader Doug Ford after his proposed cuts to education caused large protests across Ontario, and especially at Queen's Park, attended by teachers, students, and families, the majority of them white. This has outraged Conservatives, since they like to think white families are their main supporters, and Ford's conservative values had alienated those supporters as well as gotten Ontario's youth organized and interested in politics too early for them to be converted to conservatism, thus increasing voter turn out against them in the future.
"He went too conservative too quickly," Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to Deputy Premier of Ontario Jolean Happablat told us, "Everyone was trying to tell him that. You have to ease people into it, especially with so many people remembering what [Mike] Harris and [Stephen] Harper did. That would have been the smart thing to do, but everyone can agree that Doug isn't smart. He dropped out of college before he could get kicked out for selling drugs, despite his father giving the college a couple million in 'donations', so yeah, he's not smart. I think the only reason he won the leadership was that the party wanted to take advantage of Ford Nation to win the provincial election. Those idiots are extremely loyal to other idiots, especially after Rob's m- er, death, so if Doug didn't win the leadership and pulled a Trump by going independent, the conservatives would have lost. And Doug probably would have done it too, since again, he's not smart."
"Now though, the Conservatives have the province, and they'll have it for a while, unless Doug keeps being himself and doing dumb shit like this. Everyone knows you make small cuts to education, widdle away at it gradually until most graduates are as smart as our average supporters. If you do big cuts, you do it to industries that don't immediately impact the majority of your voters, like Agriculture, Culture, Energy, Housing, [Indigonous] Affairs, Infrastructure, Forestry, Food Safety, Mining Inspections, Provincial Parks, Tourism, Transportation, the list goes on, and Education is way down the list. This is politics 101, because teachers are unionized, and that union is incredibly well organized and has a lot of experience dealing with all kinds of people. That's what happens when each of your members has to deal with not only more than 20 new people each year, but those people's parents, siblings and other relatives depending on the circumstance. Dealing with all those different people has forged the teacher's union through trial by fire."
"So Doug's fuddled things up, and now he's got the Conservatives divided, some who are all 'this is just the normal conservative way', and everyone else who is pissed for the attention it's getting. Conservatism doesn't do very well when people are watching it after all. That's how you get investigations into our actions. That's politics 102. And with so many Conservatives on edge with all the investigations other conservatives are under, like in the US and Alberta, they're paranoid that people will start looking into their past discretions. And you don't get to be a major player in the Conservative party without some discretions. Doug just doesn't care about most of his, since they're practically public knowledge. They're even a joke about it. 'Who do you get coke from in Etobicoke? Whichever of the Ford brothers isn't in jail today.' I think the fact that I, a member of the Conservatives can say that without fear of reprisal speaks volumes to its truth."
"And because of things like that, Doug's got a Conservative civil war brewing, and limited time to deal with it, since if he doesn't, [Andrew] Scheer will before it risks costing him votes this fall. It's going to be an interesting time on Queen's Park for the next couple of months at least. Doug has his work cut out for him, and I know some people are hoping it'll blow up in his face."
What are you hoping for dear readers? Let us know below, and refreash the page constantly to see what other people are hoping for!

Doug Ford upset student protests use language he can't understand

Doug Ford trying to stare down some student protesters outside his old high school

College drop-out and leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario Doug Ford responded angrily to student protesting his proposed cuts to their education yesterday. Doug has called the students a wide variety of things, including "Union thugs", "Crisis Actors", "Uneducated Simpiltons" and a variety of other non-sensical insults in an apparent effort to dismiss their feelings about his effort to cut over 10,000 jobs and millions in funding from education in Ontario, a move that even some of Doug's most loyal allies are calling "Just plain stupid."
Sam Oosterhoff, the Parliamentary Assistant to the Minister of Education of Ontario, who talked to us on the condition we alter his voice, which we assured him wouldn't be a problem, said that "Doug is being a huge idiot doing all this. I kept trying to explain to him kids today are way more connected and opinionated that he thinks they are. It's no secret that Doug went to a high school for rich stupid kids and dropped out of college before they could flunk him, so I don't think he has the best opinions of kids and educated people. Thankfully I got a superior education by being homeschooled and being kept away from all those nasty kind of people that attend public schools, but being 21 years old Doug still relies on me to represent the voice of youth. So I tried to suggest that he space out the cuts over a few years, as well as make homeschooling more attractive since it is the superior form of education, but Doug wanted the money in Conservative pockets sooner than later. I did try to warn him about how nasty and vocal publically educated kids can be, but he wouldn't listen to me. That's one thing I've learned about Doug Ford, he doesn't really listen to others, even people in his party. It's his way or you end up with gangsters shooting your car in the middle of the night."
"So now Doug's got all these students protesting against him, and it really pissed him off, because he didn't think students would even know what's going on. And he went to his old high school out in Etobicoke, Scarlett Heights Entrepreneurial Academy, which they were taking as an opportunity to let the students get some first-hand knowledge about protesting. Ford didn't like that since the students immediately recognized him and used the opportunity to protest at him directly. Doug was particularly upset that some of the signs used language he didn't understand, and I don't just mean that they used big words he didn't understand, which they did do, but they also wrote protest signs in French, Spanish and Chinese, which Doug didn't understand. This got him furious, especially one he found particularly cutting about how he was proof that evolution could go in reverse, which I tried to explain to him was stupid since evolution doesn't exist, but this didn't seem to be much comfort. He'd gone there for a potential photo op and ended up being mocked in ways he didn't understand. He tried to talk to the students, starting with one student who didn't seem to be participating in the protest, but when Doug approached him, the student thanks Doug for making time in his schedule to be humiliated by children. Doug was taken aback, and once I explained what the word humiliated meant, he was outraged and stormed off back to the car. A lot of the children were being cruel and saying it was a 'sick burn' and Doug was 'totally owned', but I assure you if any of them had actually burnt or bought Doug we would have pressed charges. I do think we need to look into implementing laws that would allow us to own people though, it would be a great boon to the economy, and if we applied it to people who were outspoken about our government it would keep people from speaking out and punish those that would think they could get away with such a major insult."
"At any rate, a lot of people are calling Doug stupid for all this, but I do want people to know that Doug isn't stupid, he just doesn't have the best luck when it comes to thinking. But he doesn't have bad thoughts. He's too smart for that. He's conservative smart. That's better than regular smart, even if it isn't as smart as regular smart, it's still better, because it's conservative smart. And Doug doesn't let regular smarts get in the way of his ideas, because he's devoted to spreading those ideas all over the place, with our help of course. He's the one who produces the ideas, and then throws them at us so we can through them around. Because we've got to fight against everyone else's opinions to get them to think Doug's ideas are good ones, and it seems like we're fighting against 70% of Ontarians these days, be just because they don't like our ideas doesn't mean we don't have to the power to implement them, so regardless of what they think, we think Doug's ideas are good ideas so we don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about his thoughts. Because that's what being conservative smart means."
We did reach out to Lisa Thompson, Ontario Minister of Education, for comment, but have yet to hear back from her office at the time of writing, If we do, we'll be sure to update our lovely readers, so be sure to refresh your page every few minutes for the latest updates we can provide!

Trudeau asks Scheer to send out more spam texts to distract from SNC-Lavalin scandal

Justin Trudeau watches with disbelief as Andrew Scheer tries to explain a magic trick he once saw while Elizabeth May tweets to remind Canadians they have more than two choices when they vote this year

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is under renewed pressure with the latest developments in the SNC-Lavalin scandal after he had Jody Wilson-Raybould and Jane Philpott removed from the Liberal caucus. "I'm trying to make them the scapegoats to this situation," Trudeau explained in a statement to the press. "After all, if I hadn't been stupid enough to try and help SNC-Lavalin after they'd clearly become a greedy and immoral company, and naive enough to fall for their tactics, I wouldn't be in this mess now when the public discovered what I and my office had done. So I'm attempting to frame this as two bad actors trying to damage my reputation, much like that one woman tried to do to Brett Kavanaugh down in the states."
"Thankfully, I'm aided by Andrew Scheer in this, who did something as equally stupid as I did, if not more so, by sending millions of Canadians unsolicited spam texts pointing out my effort to tax pollution emitters. If I'd played this cooler, not let egos get in the way, and just admitted to the mistakes we've made, the Liberals probably could have ridden that blunder into a sweeping victory this election. But since that's not what I've done, and instead double down on making ourselves look guilty, Andrew Scheer will get some leeway, since most Canadians seem to forget that they don't have to vote Liberal or Conservative, which does contribute to why both of us feel we can get away with these kinds of actions. Why do you think I broke my promise of the last election being the last 'First Past the Post' election? Because that's the only thing that keeps the Liberals and Conservative in power on the Federal level, that people feel it's an us or them situation. We have an agreement to help each other out and keep us both from looking too bad in the eyes of Canadians."
"That why I'm evoking our sacred agreement Scheer, written in the finest maple syrup, upon the smoothest birch bark, as we canoed across the stillest water, and asking you to send out another set of text messages. Just so long as they aren't about this mess, since this is what we need a distraction from. I probably didn't need to evoke the agreement, since Scheer does have a tendency to kick himself in the face every so often, but I wanted to made it more of a certainty than not."
Trudeau ended his statement without answering any questions from reporters, but if he does start answering questions people want to ask him, we'll let you, our fine readers know as soon as possible, just keep refreshing the page!

Mike Pence suffers heart attack after discovering his nipples

Mike Pence looks lovingly at Trump after "No Homo" was explained to him

Vice President Mike Pence was rushed to hospital last night after suffering a heart attack. The secret service was quick to respond and Pence will reportedly be fine as medical staff are reporting it was a minor heart attack and quickly treated. Secret service reports of the incident say that Pence suffered the heart attack after seeing his bare chest for the first time in his life and discovering that he had nipples. Pence responded to this discovery by shouting loudly "I have nipples, I'm a woman!", drawing the attention of his secret service handlers, before suffering his heart attack.
"It's a fairly common occurrence for religiously cloistered men," Doctor George McMillion explained. "They grew up afraid of any sort of sexuality, and as they get older, they get more and more afraid of any sort of feminine expression, especially by men, and if they've grown up not exploring, or even not looking at their own body, then the slightest discovery can cause serious mental breakdowns as all these flimsy walls they've built around them get torn down. We call it Straw House Syndrome, after the three little pigs, since the slightest breeze can bring them down and they'll go out of their way to avoid facts."
"In Mike Pence's cause, from the secret service's report, I'm guessing that he's probably gone through life avoiding looking at his own body, probably from some misguided assumption that looking at any male body, even his own, would cause 'Homosexual urges' or some other ridiculous and misinformed thought like that, and so was completely unaware that men had nipples just like women. So when he discovered the truth, he had no way to process this information, jumped to the conclusion he was a woman, and promptly suffered a heart attack. I imagine whoever has been treating him has had to explain multiple times that both sexes are born with nipples. I don't envy them, dealing with Straw House Syndrome is an exhausting process. I hope Pence gets the help he needs."
If Pence's condition changes or any other politicians are revealed to have Straw House Syndrome, we'll let out readers know, so keep refreshing the page for the latest updates.

Doug Ford claiming a Ghost is haunting him

Doug Ford hearing the voices again

Doug Ford has had a third exorcism of Queen's Park take place today, after two last month. On the expensive forms, he wrote that they were necessary due to "the presence of a deceased family member who I don't want to talk to". The accountants have been trying to figure out if an exorcism can be expensed since the first one took place on March 5th. "Doug has been arguing they're a necessary expense for his mental wellbeing and protected under his freedom of religion." said Queen's Park accountant Oliver Sallum, "but I think if you have to have 3 of them in the span of a month, either they're not working, or you're seeing things. Either way, you need to try something different."
Doug has refused to comment about the exorcisms, calling them personnel, but we managed to get a hold of Father Dominic Fredrickson, the priest who performed the exorcism on March 20th. "[Doug] seemed quite bothered about the whole thing," Father Fredrickson told us. "He seemed to be under the impression that he was being haunted by a close family member, and apparently not one he would have liked to have around. He said the spirit was acting just as they had in life, and that it was causing him no end of distractions, so he wanted us to get rid of it. We had already tried two weeks before, but he insisted it hadn't worked and the spirit was still haunting him. So we tried again. He said at the time that it seemed to work, but then today he called us complaining about the spirit being back, so he wanted a refund and would be taking his business elsewhere. We were saddened to hear all that, but it happens sometimes. Some people are just strongly haunted by their past. I do believe we would have been able to do more from Mr. Ford if he'd been willing to tell us more about the spirit, but he didn't want to talk about those particulars and that it 'shouldn't make any difference to us'. We did try to explain to him there are different levels of spirits and haunting, as well as their reasons for returning, I even had my copy of Tobin's Spirit Guide with me to show him some examples, but he just wanted to give us money and have the problem go away, which isn't a healthy outlook. Dealing with most spirits requires some sort of discussion between the haunted and haunter, since they've come back for a reason. Until Mr. Ford does so, I don't believe he will be free of this ghost from his past."
The new firm Doug has contracted, Edwards' Express Exorcisms, has declined to comment about the situation, citing client confidentiality, although accountant Oliver says that they're trying to charge for regular weekly exorcisms of Doug's office. "His staff has been talking about how much he's been muttering to himself lately," Oliver told us. "They think he's being haunted by his brother Rob, which wouldn't surprise me. Rob was the one who wanted Doug to keep running for office, he thought there should be a Ford in every driveway, quite literally, I think he mistakenly believed his family owned some part of the car company, but I digress. Doug's never had the charisma Rob had, so he's never been close to being as liked as his brother was, but Doug was also smarter than Rob, but that's not a high bar to clear, so it's no surprise he's having problems, especially with Scheer getting in his face these days. So I'm guessing he isn't actually being haunted, but instead is having his stress manifest as representations of his dead spotlight stealing brother. Doug seemed happy to be the brains behind the operation to Rob's billboard personality, so maybe he's seeing his brother to bring back those memories, except he can't embrace them cause he knows his brother is dead. The only thing that would make it worse would be if those rumors he arranged to have his brother killed for bringing such negative attention to the family were true. Either way, I don't see Doug dealing with it soon, he's a stubborn one after all."
If you have any details or theories about the Haunting of Doug Ford, let us know dear readers. We'll be keeping our PKE Meters on and our Proton Packs charged encase we encounter any ghosts ourselves, so keep refreshing the page to keep the spirits at bay!

Trump announces he's going to become a Monk

Donald Trump showing off his "Kung Fu Action" between interviews on Fox News

"I'm going to become a Monk," Donald Trump announced today during a long and rambling speech. "I'm going to get one of those cool robes, those look really nice to wear, like a bathrobe, and they can do those really cool moves. I can already do really cool moves, you've all seen my, my Kung Fu Action, with my hands, when I'm moving them around, that's my Kung Fu Action, I can break stuff like that, I'll show you all sometime, sometime I'll show you all. But I'm going to learn those cool moves that I don't already know, like the flippy flips, and the water walking. Oh, I can't wait to learn the walking on water part, can you imagine what that would do for my golf game? Oh, my ball, my only ball, it's on the water? Well watch this I'll say as I walk onto the water and shot my ball for a hole in one, that's how good I'll be. They'll call me Donald 'The guy that always gets holes in one' Trump. That's a great nickname, isn't it? That's why I'm going to become a monk, cause you also get a cool name, like 'Iron Lung' and 'The man who can't be killed with fists and punching'. I'm going to get a cool nickname like that, so I want one that makes me sound awesome, like 'The man who turns the stuff he touches into money making gold' or 'One touch from his awesome totally normal size hands will kill men and make women so horny you wouldn't believe, they'll just get naked right there', those are both great nicknames. And then I'll get to do those jumps, jumping around from flag pole to flag pole, that'll make for some great pictures, me up on flag poles. Oh, and I get to learn those instant death moves too, why hasn't a President ever tried to learn those before? I'll tell you why cause none of them were as smart as me. Just imagine, I can walk into a room with a bad person, go to shake their hand, and bam, they die standing and fall over. And they'd never suspect a thing! It's the perfect crime! So now I've just got to find a guy to come here and teach me. The secret service, they don't have a guy for that, can you believe it? But I've got connections, I'm really smart remember, so I'll find somebody, maybe from China, they love me there and they can all do this, so it shouldn't be hard to find someone. We should be stealing their skills like this more after all if all the Chinese came over on a boat and attacked us a lot of people would get hurt before I could rush in with my Kung Fu Action, so if you love America you should be becoming a monk like me. Because becoming a monk is the first step to becoming a monkey and getting a cool tail that lifts stuff and be a super smart buddy you can talk to, and who wouldn't want that?" It was at that point that Mike Pence told Trump he had some executive time he needed to attend to, and so left reporters without answering any questions.
It is believed that Trump came to this decision after watching a Kung Fu Movie Mrathon on TV earlier, but this is just our speculation after glancing at TV Guide. If any of our readers have any explanation for Trumps actions, please share them with us, so that we might understand what's happening. If any of our readers provide us with one, we'll update you here, so keep refreshing the page.