Doug Ford Dedicates Public Drinking law to his Late Brother Rob

Rob Ford laughing as his brother Doug makes fun of a cancer patient in 2014

Doug Ford has unveiled his budget for Ontario's next fiscal year, including plans for legislation that would be dedicated in memory of his late brother, Rob "The Crack Mayor" Ford. The dedication came as a surprise move to many, particularly since most laws dedicated to people are done so because that person was the victim of something people now want to prevent from happening again. This proposal, however, would give municipalities the decision of allowing public drinking in parks and outside sporting events. Public drinking was something Rob was known for, being under investigation for public drinking and urination outside a school at the time of his death/
"Rob's insobriety was the biggest part of who he was," Ontario Finance Minister Vic Fedeli said after revealing the budget, "so it's no surprise to me why Doug wants to create an environment where Ontarians could emulate Rob's drunken ways. Rob would be proud to have his name on this, and if he were alive he'd be using it to get as much free beer and crack as he could. That's brotherly love isn't, and now whenever someone sees someone drinking in public, they'll remember Rob Ford."
There are also rumors that since Doug has been claiming to be haunted by a ghost as we previously reported, that ghost is, in fact, his late brother Rob, and this proposed law is an attempt to appease his brother's spirit so that it might pass on. Doug has so far refused to comment on why he previously hired exorcists, and has so far not taken any questions from reporters, but we have our sources so we'll let our readers know if any spiritual sightings take place around Doug Ford.
If you've seen any public drunks who act like people can't see them, let us know! You never know when you've actually seen a ghost!

Police called after Anti-Vaxxers and PETA get into gun fight

PETA protesters attempting to use nudity to distract from their methods

A fight broke out yesterday in Columbia, South Carolina at Sesquicentennial State Park between a group of PETA protestors and a local Anti-Vaxxination group. The protestors had gone to the park to protest against people owning pets and offering free euthanasia for animals "tainted by human ownership", while the Anti-Vaxxers were holding a barbeque and membership drive. Eventually, the protestors came across the barbeque and started verbally accosting the Anti-Vaxxers over their dinner and the pets some of them had brought. Hiker Naomi Amuri, who witnessed the events first hand, had this to say.
"So the Anti-Vaxxers were all around the barbeques and picnic tables, mostly trying to ignore PETA, who honestly were doing a shit job of their protesting since the only chant they seemed to know was their overused 'Meat is Murder' line, which didn't seem to phase the Anti-Vaxxers at all. It wasn't until one of the protesters started insulting their dogs that the Anti-Vaxxers started getting riled up and throwing insults back. It got pretty heated with a lot of swearing, thankfully neither side had any children to here, especially with how things went. But PETA really started insulting the dogs and how they were dressed in black and stuff, I didn't really get why they were dressed like that, it was pretty weird, but this really hit a nerve with the Anti-Vaxxers. Some of the guys started agresively approaching PETA and waving barbeque pokers around, so the protesters started waving their signs around trying to hit the Anti-Vaxxers, and I don't know who pulled a gun first, but all of a sudden there was like a dozen guns out pointed at each."
"People started screaming and those that hadn't been acting like idiots were running away or diving for cover. I got behind a tree, I could hear them yelling but I didn't dare look out. I've seen movies, that's how you get shot first. So I was just hoping they'd calm down and realize what kind of situation they were in, but nope, they just kept shouting at one another, and then there was shooting. It was terrifying, I could hear them out there moaning in pain. Thankfully somebody had called 911 at some point, they said the police were here pretty quickly, but it felt like an eternity to me behind that tree. I'll probably have nightmares about it for the rest of my life."
Current police reports have it that thankfully no animals were injured, while 7 people were shot resulting in minor injuries, and that all 7 had been part of the two group's escalations, but refused to identify the victims or their affiliations at this time, as all of the shooters were white and the police had just let them off with warnings before arresting two nearby black men at the park for resisting arrest. The Columbia City Parks and Recreation Department has said that they will not be returning the Anti-Vaxxers' damage deposit, however, due to one of the bullets damaging a tree.
If anyone else does anything to prevent the return of a damage deposit, we'll let our readers know here, so check back regularly for more!

Knights Party announce progress with Time Machine Development

The current Time Chamber Prototype, without the "patented pending time radiators" installed

The Knights Party public relations department announced today that they have made significant progress with the development of a Time Machine. "We are pleased to announce that we here in the Knights Party's Time Machine Making Clan have made a Time Machine that can go forward in time!" Department manager Billy-Rae Bobbett announced. "Thanks to the work of our head scientist, Doctor Rickenbacker, we've been able to successfully travel forward in time. I have gone forward a few hours 3 times so far, it's great for skipping over boring parts of the day. The Doctor, he designed and build this time chamber that you shut yourself in, oh, but you've got to remember to take these special drugs to protect yourself from the time radiation you'll be exposed to. So you shut yourself in the chamber, you'll travel through time and then be a couple hours in the future. Time traveling kind of feels like a dream, and you might have visions of other times and stuff, but you do feel well rested afterward. So far we haven't had the best control of how many hours into the future you go, but we're confident we can get better with more testing, and once we've got going forward in time down, it should be easy figuring out how to go backward."
"We've been working on making a Time Machine for nearly a few years now, so we can go back in time and relive the glory days like the Confederacy. We came up with the idea after Trump said he wanted to Make America Great Again, why do that when you can just go back to when it was great? We've always been good at keeping the past in the present, but just think of how grand it would be if you can go back to the Slavery days, to the Confederacy, before Segregation, that's at least 3 places to go and experience the good old day, and we want to get there first before all the other time travelers show up and it gets crowded, so we've got to invent it first. And the Doctor, he's been working for folks like us for a long time, and after we made him an offer he couldn't refuse, he agreed to work on the time machine. Before him we weren't having much progress, mostly 'cause it was just me and Mark testing out guns shotting microwaves and other time stuff to see if that did anything. Some of it blew up real good, we made lots of notes on that kind of stuff for when we need to blow other stuff up, but the Docter explained what we were doing wrong. Well, he tried at least, me and Mark didn't understand all too much of it, Mark not as much as me, so we just told him to do what he needed to do and we'd get him what he needed. You should talk to him about it, he's over there in the corner behind the wood stock rifle rack. He loves getting in behind stuff like that and hide away from people, reminds me of a hamster I had as a kid. And a dog, and a cat, and a lizard too. I went through a lot of animals." Billy-Rae said before drifting off in thought and not answering any more questions.

"Yes, I am Doctor Rickenbacker. I came to work, or razer my grandfazer came to work in America after ze war, you know ze one. I, we have always been men of science, and zese, uh, how to say, fine young men, zey have also been interested in science. Billy-Rae can talk endlessly about ze composition of animals like you would not believe, I keep zinking he'll run out at some point, but no, he just keeps going and going like zat rabbit. And Mark, he knows all about ze aliens zat have visited ze Earth, all 254, because mankind is ze 255th zat will unite zem all and fulfill an unspoken grand destiny. Zat is what he keeps telling me at any rate. But I listen, because zey are men of science, and have generous benefactors zat help fund my, our research. And zey have guns, lots of guns zat zey are firing behind the lab constantly, saying zey have to keep practicing... but zey have ze guns so I listen!" Doctor Rickenbacker proceeded to laugh awkwardly for several minutes after this before regaining his composure. "You ah, you haven't figured out how ze chamber work have you? Billy-Rae, he talks a lot, and it would be bad if he, let somezing slip, da?" After being reassured that Billy-Rae had not revealed the technology behind how the chamber works, Doctor Rickenbacker seemed much more at ease. "I was honestly not expecting anyone to show up for zis press conference, most people know the place to be with ze Ku-less is out of range. You don't have someone point a gun at you, do you? Don't answer that, I zink it would be better to not know. We all have zings we have to keep to ourselves yes? I wish you luck with your article."

No other officials of the Knights Party were willing to speak on the record, so we'll just have to wait to see what other claims people make, time related or otherwise. If you find yourself in a time and place you're not familiar with, let us know, as soon as you can, it'll make for an interesting article.

Jason Kenney thanks racist and bigots for filling out UCP candidacies with All White Gift Baskets

Doug Ford and Jason Kenney showing off their favorite hood shape at a Paleskin Power Rally

Jason Kenney, leader of the United Conservative Party of Alberta has been personally thanking racists and bigots for being UCP candidates in the runup to the vote in Alberta on April 16th. So far over a third of UCP's 87 candidates have publically proclaimed themselves to be racist, bigots, both, or more, and not resigned or been immediately driven out of Alberta.
Mark Smith, the UCP candidate for Drayton Valley, who has served as Kenney’s UCP education critic and calls himself a close personal friend of Kenney's "that go on long Men's Retreats together to remote parts of Alberta to look for salmon and just spend time together being men", has been promoting the idea that homosexuality and pedophilia should be considered on the same level. Smith has refused to clarify if he meant that homosexuality should be outlawed or that pedophilia should be legalized, but Kenney has stuck by Smith, saying that he "stands by either change of the law, and will continue to stand behind him as I always do whenever we're together."
David Dorward, the UCP candidate for Edmonton–Gold Bar, has gone on the record criticizing laws his own government passed when he was a member of the PCs, claiming that gender-inclusive bathroom policies allowed random adult men to wander into schools and lurk in girls' washroom. When it was pointed out that this would be a criticism of school security if there was any validity to his claims, and not in fact related to the gender-inclusive policy at all despite his bigoted attempts to present it as such, he promised to attempt what he was theorizing himself to prove it was possible and has since been escorted away from over a dozen schools since. Kenney has not only stood beside Dorward, but encouraged this behavior as "he can't be proven wrong no matter how much he tries."
Shane Getson, the UCP candidate for Lac Ste. Anne–Parkland, has spent the majority of his campaign spouting far-right conspiracy theories he finds on Facebook, the most outrageous of which was a claim that the United Nations would be seizing control of Canada's border unless he was elected. When numerous people correctly pointed out that the UN wasn't doing that, let alone couldn't since they had no legal authority or military to do so, and even then that would be a federal issue, Kenney came to Getson's defense saying that it was a "legitimate perspective that more people should try to embrace, and it would be more in line with the UCP mindset."
Not all of UCP's candidates have been lucky enough to run in ridings that tolerate hate speech the way some ridings do. One of Kenney's personal picks, Caylan Ford, resigned from her candidacy in Calgary-Mountain View on the first day of the election after evidence of her support for white supremacist was reveal. Ford later said that if she hadn't been running in a Calgarian riding the revelation wouldn't have mattered, as "backwater Albertans know how to keep things pure." While Kenney condemned her comments at the time, he made sure she knew she was still a member of the party, and she has been working behind the scenes on the UCP's election efforts since, even receiving one of Kenney's Gift Baskets.
These are just some of the more prominent racists and bigots to come out during this election, but a longer list detailing just the still running UCP members who have proudly revealed themselves to be bigots and racist can be found here.
Kenney, however, seems particularly glad to have these people among his peers, which hasn't surprised anyone who has followed his career, since Kenney has repeatedly tried to block constitutional rights to LGBTQ+ people, claiming that it would "open the door to allowing [constitutional rights] to those that also commit polygamy and incest." When it was recently pointed out to him that while polygamy and incest are illegal, those people already have the same rights as anyone else in Canada and that rights are different from things regulated by laws, Kenney dismissed this as it being "what they want you to think," and refused to elaborate on what that meant, instead wanting to focus on his campaign of congratulations. This campaign of his has been to thank the UCP candidates that have been "unfairly discriminated for their views that minorities are bad people and bad for us. I've been calling them one by one to give them my thanks and let them know I was sending them each one of my patented 'Straight White Gift Basket'. It contains a white sheet with a 500 thread count made from hand-picked cotton, matching a white hood, a stylish red and black armband, and a torch! It all makes for the perfect outfit for occasions where you really want to celebrate your heritage, and I'm sure many Albertans will be showing off the whites when the UCP is voted in next week! Thanks Alberta!"
Do you have any fashion advice for politicians about to face an election? Let us know below!

Conservatives tell Ford to stop screwing over schools because it's getting young organized

Doug Ford trying to respond to complaints from fellow Conservatives as others begin plotting his removal

Ontario Conservatives are angry at their leader Doug Ford after his proposed cuts to education caused large protests across Ontario, and especially at Queen's Park, attended by teachers, students, and families, the majority of them white. This has outraged Conservatives, since they like to think white families are their main supporters, and Ford's conservative values had alienated those supporters as well as gotten Ontario's youth organized and interested in politics too early for them to be converted to conservatism, thus increasing voter turn out against them in the future.
"He went too conservative too quickly," Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to Deputy Premier of Ontario Jolean Happablat told us, "Everyone was trying to tell him that. You have to ease people into it, especially with so many people remembering what [Mike] Harris and [Stephen] Harper did. That would have been the smart thing to do, but everyone can agree that Doug isn't smart. He dropped out of college before he could get kicked out for selling drugs, despite his father giving the college a couple million in 'donations', so yeah, he's not smart. I think the only reason he won the leadership was that the party wanted to take advantage of Ford Nation to win the provincial election. Those idiots are extremely loyal to other idiots, especially after Rob's m- er, death, so if Doug didn't win the leadership and pulled a Trump by going independent, the conservatives would have lost. And Doug probably would have done it too, since again, he's not smart."
"Now though, the Conservatives have the province, and they'll have it for a while, unless Doug keeps being himself and doing dumb shit like this. Everyone knows you make small cuts to education, widdle away at it gradually until most graduates are as smart as our average supporters. If you do big cuts, you do it to industries that don't immediately impact the majority of your voters, like Agriculture, Culture, Energy, Housing, [Indigonous] Affairs, Infrastructure, Forestry, Food Safety, Mining Inspections, Provincial Parks, Tourism, Transportation, the list goes on, and Education is way down the list. This is politics 101, because teachers are unionized, and that union is incredibly well organized and has a lot of experience dealing with all kinds of people. That's what happens when each of your members has to deal with not only more than 20 new people each year, but those people's parents, siblings and other relatives depending on the circumstance. Dealing with all those different people has forged the teacher's union through trial by fire."
"So Doug's fuddled things up, and now he's got the Conservatives divided, some who are all 'this is just the normal conservative way', and everyone else who is pissed for the attention it's getting. Conservatism doesn't do very well when people are watching it after all. That's how you get investigations into our actions. That's politics 102. And with so many Conservatives on edge with all the investigations other conservatives are under, like in the US and Alberta, they're paranoid that people will start looking into their past discretions. And you don't get to be a major player in the Conservative party without some discretions. Doug just doesn't care about most of his, since they're practically public knowledge. They're even a joke about it. 'Who do you get coke from in Etobicoke? Whichever of the Ford brothers isn't in jail today.' I think the fact that I, a member of the Conservatives can say that without fear of reprisal speaks volumes to its truth."
"And because of things like that, Doug's got a Conservative civil war brewing, and limited time to deal with it, since if he doesn't, [Andrew] Scheer will before it risks costing him votes this fall. It's going to be an interesting time on Queen's Park for the next couple of months at least. Doug has his work cut out for him, and I know some people are hoping it'll blow up in his face."
What are you hoping for dear readers? Let us know below, and refreash the page constantly to see what other people are hoping for!

Doug Ford upset student protests use language he can't understand

Doug Ford trying to stare down some student protesters outside his old high school

College drop-out and leader of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario Doug Ford responded angrily to student protesting his proposed cuts to their education yesterday. Doug has called the students a wide variety of things, including "Union thugs", "Crisis Actors", "Uneducated Simpiltons" and a variety of other non-sensical insults in an apparent effort to dismiss their feelings about his effort to cut over 10,000 jobs and millions in funding from education in Ontario, a move that even some of Doug's most loyal allies are calling "Just plain stupid."
Sam Oosterhoff, the Parliamentary Assistant to the Minister of Education of Ontario, who talked to us on the condition we alter his voice, which we assured him wouldn't be a problem, said that "Doug is being a huge idiot doing all this. I kept trying to explain to him kids today are way more connected and opinionated that he thinks they are. It's no secret that Doug went to a high school for rich stupid kids and dropped out of college before they could flunk him, so I don't think he has the best opinions of kids and educated people. Thankfully I got a superior education by being homeschooled and being kept away from all those nasty kind of people that attend public schools, but being 21 years old Doug still relies on me to represent the voice of youth. So I tried to suggest that he space out the cuts over a few years, as well as make homeschooling more attractive since it is the superior form of education, but Doug wanted the money in Conservative pockets sooner than later. I did try to warn him about how nasty and vocal publically educated kids can be, but he wouldn't listen to me. That's one thing I've learned about Doug Ford, he doesn't really listen to others, even people in his party. It's his way or you end up with gangsters shooting your car in the middle of the night."
"So now Doug's got all these students protesting against him, and it really pissed him off, because he didn't think students would even know what's going on. And he went to his old high school out in Etobicoke, Scarlett Heights Entrepreneurial Academy, which they were taking as an opportunity to let the students get some first-hand knowledge about protesting. Ford didn't like that since the students immediately recognized him and used the opportunity to protest at him directly. Doug was particularly upset that some of the signs used language he didn't understand, and I don't just mean that they used big words he didn't understand, which they did do, but they also wrote protest signs in French, Spanish and Chinese, which Doug didn't understand. This got him furious, especially one he found particularly cutting about how he was proof that evolution could go in reverse, which I tried to explain to him was stupid since evolution doesn't exist, but this didn't seem to be much comfort. He'd gone there for a potential photo op and ended up being mocked in ways he didn't understand. He tried to talk to the students, starting with one student who didn't seem to be participating in the protest, but when Doug approached him, the student thanks Doug for making time in his schedule to be humiliated by children. Doug was taken aback, and once I explained what the word humiliated meant, he was outraged and stormed off back to the car. A lot of the children were being cruel and saying it was a 'sick burn' and Doug was 'totally owned', but I assure you if any of them had actually burnt or bought Doug we would have pressed charges. I do think we need to look into implementing laws that would allow us to own people though, it would be a great boon to the economy, and if we applied it to people who were outspoken about our government it would keep people from speaking out and punish those that would think they could get away with such a major insult."
"At any rate, a lot of people are calling Doug stupid for all this, but I do want people to know that Doug isn't stupid, he just doesn't have the best luck when it comes to thinking. But he doesn't have bad thoughts. He's too smart for that. He's conservative smart. That's better than regular smart, even if it isn't as smart as regular smart, it's still better, because it's conservative smart. And Doug doesn't let regular smarts get in the way of his ideas, because he's devoted to spreading those ideas all over the place, with our help of course. He's the one who produces the ideas, and then throws them at us so we can through them around. Because we've got to fight against everyone else's opinions to get them to think Doug's ideas are good ones, and it seems like we're fighting against 70% of Ontarians these days, be just because they don't like our ideas doesn't mean we don't have to the power to implement them, so regardless of what they think, we think Doug's ideas are good ideas so we don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about his thoughts. Because that's what being conservative smart means."
We did reach out to Lisa Thompson, Ontario Minister of Education, for comment, but have yet to hear back from her office at the time of writing, If we do, we'll be sure to update our lovely readers, so be sure to refresh your page every few minutes for the latest updates we can provide!

Trudeau asks Scheer to send out more spam texts to distract from SNC-Lavalin scandal

Justin Trudeau watches with disbelief as Andrew Scheer tries to explain a magic trick he once saw while Elizabeth May tweets to remind Canadians they have more than two choices when they vote this year

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is under renewed pressure with the latest developments in the SNC-Lavalin scandal after he had Jody Wilson-Raybould and Jane Philpott removed from the Liberal caucus. "I'm trying to make them the scapegoats to this situation," Trudeau explained in a statement to the press. "After all, if I hadn't been stupid enough to try and help SNC-Lavalin after they'd clearly become a greedy and immoral company, and naive enough to fall for their tactics, I wouldn't be in this mess now when the public discovered what I and my office had done. So I'm attempting to frame this as two bad actors trying to damage my reputation, much like that one woman tried to do to Brett Kavanaugh down in the states."
"Thankfully, I'm aided by Andrew Scheer in this, who did something as equally stupid as I did, if not more so, by sending millions of Canadians unsolicited spam texts pointing out my effort to tax pollution emitters. If I'd played this cooler, not let egos get in the way, and just admitted to the mistakes we've made, the Liberals probably could have ridden that blunder into a sweeping victory this election. But since that's not what I've done, and instead double down on making ourselves look guilty, Andrew Scheer will get some leeway, since most Canadians seem to forget that they don't have to vote Liberal or Conservative, which does contribute to why both of us feel we can get away with these kinds of actions. Why do you think I broke my promise of the last election being the last 'First Past the Post' election? Because that's the only thing that keeps the Liberals and Conservative in power on the Federal level, that people feel it's an us or them situation. We have an agreement to help each other out and keep us both from looking too bad in the eyes of Canadians."
"That why I'm evoking our sacred agreement Scheer, written in the finest maple syrup, upon the smoothest birch bark, as we canoed across the stillest water, and asking you to send out another set of text messages. Just so long as they aren't about this mess, since this is what we need a distraction from. I probably didn't need to evoke the agreement, since Scheer does have a tendency to kick himself in the face every so often, but I wanted to made it more of a certainty than not."
Trudeau ended his statement without answering any questions from reporters, but if he does start answering questions people want to ask him, we'll let you, our fine readers know as soon as possible, just keep refreshing the page!