Andrew Scheer and Doug Ford argue the other is making Conservatives look bad

Andrew and Doug awkwardly sit together trying to pretend there aren't any reporters, wondering when they can go home

A feud has developed between Leader of the Federal Conservatives Andrew Scheer and Leader of the Ontario Conservatives and Ontario Premier Doug Ford over who is making the Conservatives look worse. Doug Ford went on a small tirade about Scheer over the weekend after Scheer sent out mass texts to Canadians complaining about oil companies having to face the consequences of their pollution. Meanwhile, Scheer has been trying to get Doug to stop overstepping his powers and doing things like trying to take over the TTC, helping the Ford Family's drug business, and suggesting that children can be wagered upon like horses, which has been aggravating Canadians, especially Ontarians, against Conservatives in a Federal Election year. This has resulted in the two starting to butt heads over how they should be acting, with Doug saying it has no bearing on him, while Scheer is afraid that Doug's popularity with the far right Conservative base will make average Canadians think Doug is the Federal Leader, and thus won't vote conservative.
"It's true I've got a pathetic presence," Scheer said to reporters, "but Doug isn't what Canadians want, so he should learn his place and stay in his lane, instead of making Conservatives look bad for crying out loud. I mean, this is a Federal Election year, so every Conservative should know to tow the line that I throw out. That's how we're going to fish up a win for the Conservatives this year."
"Scheer is a pathetic man," Doug responded, "he needs to learn when to step aside and hand over the keys to a real leader. He though texting people randomly was a good idea! That shows how much of an idiot he is. My flunkies at the CRTC have been complaining about how flooded they've been with complaints about Scheer's spam. That's what everyone should be calling it now, Scheer spam. When you get a text message from an unknown number on your non-burner phone, it's a Scheer spam. When Scheer tries to call you for an endorsement, that's a Scheer spam. That should be what's his name, the new nazi guy running, what's his name, with the Populist's Party, whoever it is, that should be his slogan to get the Conservative votes. Vote for me or you'll get Scheer Spam. You can have that for free you nazi." [We believe Doug is attempting to refer to Maxime Bernier, the leader and founder of the new People's Party in his statement.]
Scheer has been attempting to position the Conservatives as best he can for the upcoming election and despite the Liberals and Trudeau tripping over their own feet to look guilty with the SNC-Lavalin scandal, he hasn't been able to turn that into any gains for the party, with the NDP and Green Party the only ones coming out ahead so far thanks to youth organization and protests. This has Scheer very worried, as some Conservatives have been openly calling him weak and ineffective since he hasn't been able to capitalize on the Liberal's lose of Trudeau Mania as much as his supporters would like. Scheer is also having trouble controlling the Conservative's far-right base and officials, thanks to spill over attitudes from the US, which has Scheet petrified that Maxime Bernier's new far-right People's Party will usurp the Conservatives, thus why he's been trying to get Doug to tone it down.
Doug, however, might be more in line with Maxime's views than Scheer's, especially since people have started calling him "Trump of the North", and has been embracing the far-right attitudes that have been bubbling up from the south. This is all in a departure from last year, where Scheer actually campaigned with Doug and helped him get elected in Ontario. Many of Doug's associates say that's Scheer's own fault since Doug doesn't have any loyalty to those that can't help him, and he should have seen this coming. Scheer is reportedly considering his options, while Doug seems unphased, stating that "I'll outlast Scheer like I outlasted my brother. I'm not going anywhere I don't want to, so he'd better learn his place or face the consequences."
If Scheer decides to sucker punch Doug, or if Doug has some bikers follow Scheer around looking menacing in an intimidation attempt, we'll let our readers know what happens as we see it, so refresh this page constantly for the latest news.

Doug Ford closing addiction support resources to bring back clients to his main business

Doug Ford trying to stare down a reporter for daring to ask questions

Doug Ford has been continuing his "overhaul" to health services in Ontario by closing several overdose prevention sites and giving them a few days to pack up. Doug has so far refused to comment about his action despite calls from medical professionals, emergency responders, and the public at large for these sites to remain open because they save lives and help addicts recover and get sober, but those close to Doug say that his reasons are more personal. It has been reported that Doug is fervently against these sites for two reasons, the first out of fear that his family members will be seen at one of these sites, and the second that these sites have been undercutting Doug's main business by removing his long term clients.
The Ford family has had a long history with drug addiction. Eldest sibling Kathy Ford has a long going relationship with drug addiction, with rumors that she started drinking and doing hard drugs in high school, and has been involved in several incidents revolving around drugs, including letting known drug dealers live with her and sell drugs from the Ford Family home. Despite this she has reportedly never sought help with her addiction, unlike the youngest Ford sibling, the infamous Rob Ford. Rob Ford gained worldwide notoriety after he became "The Crack Mayor of Toronto" when a video of him smoking crack cocaine surfaced. As Rob had spent nearly a year denying he had ever taken any hard drugs before being forced to reveal he'd been lying, his family forced him to go to rehab in order to redeem his public image, and while he managed a brief rehab course, he passed from cancer before he completed any long term rehabilitation. Given the public humiliation the Ford family suffered from the later incident, and how it thrust them onto the global stage in a negative light, it is speculated that Doug has a dislike for services that shine a light on addiction due to reminding him of these negative events he'd rather have suppressed.
The other reason people think Doug is shutting down addiction support services is due to the rumors that the Ford family has been in the drug business since the 80s, with Doug as the ring leader, and that he hates services that helps addicts get clean, reducing his potential clients. The Ford family was the main supplier of hashish in Etobicoke in the 80s before expanding to other drugs, using various means to maintain that position, to the point where the eldest brother, Randy Ford, ended up being convicted in a drug related kidnapping. The Fords managed to keep the incident out of the news at the time, but the siblings have kept those that worked with them in drug trafficking close, even bringing them aboard their political campaigns. Rob Ford in particular employed numerous individuals known to the police, something the police themselves publicly called a concern, and so many suspected drug dealers work at Deco Labels and Tags, the the Ford family business, that many Etobicoke residents joke that it's little more than a front for drug trafficking these days.
They are reportedly not surprised that Doug is against anything that bring addiction to the public light, as an Etobicoke residence who wished to remain anonymous said that "it makes it harder to do all that business you can only do in the shadows, and Doug Ford has always been the shadowiest of people. He was his brother's shadow up until he died, and now he'll always be in Rob's cracked shadow. I think he's still got that old school mindset, that these sites that are trying to help people are actually his competition, and they're taking away his customers. He's not stupid, he knows that getting elected to such high positions in politics is fickle, it can swing back and forth, so he's probably trying to make things easier for the Ford family business in the long term by closing down these things that help people get away from drugs."
All of these are reportedly factors in Doug Ford's closing of overdose prevention sites and addiction support services, and as soon as Doug Ford reveals what he's doing we'll report on it here, but given the Ford family's history of dishonesty, don't hold your breath.

Andrew Scheer racks up millions in fines violating Do Not Call List with mass texts

Andrew Scheer trying to explain to a robocall that his ducts are fine, it's his clock that needs cleaning

Did you get a text message yesterday from an Emma, Sue or Karen telling you about the new law coming into effect on April 1st and how you should support the oil industry before it comes into effect? Did you find it annoying and wish the people who did it got punished? Well good news! The Conservative Party of Canada has racked up $2.1 million in fines after Andrew Scheer directed his party to send out the text messages, because it turns out mass sending unsolicited texts to Canadians violates clauses in the National Do Not Call List.
The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission was apparently geared up to issue the fine as soon as the Conservatives sent out the messages. "It was really stupid to announce ahead of time that they were going to do this," said Pablo Rodríguez, Minister of Canadian Heritage and overseer of the CRTC. "Everybody knew as soon as they said it that it was probably a violation of something, and the people at the CRTC immediately got to work figuring how exactly, but the fact that they were able to use the Do Not Call List after it had been such a failure, that was brilliant. I'm sure Scheer didn't see it coming, especially not a few hours after it got sent out. That's how prepared they were, they had all the paperwork ready to go, they just needed the actual messages and numbers they sent them from. As soon as they had that figured out, it was an easy process of pulling up all the numbers they'd sent messages too and cross referencing them with numbers on the DNCL, and bang, they've got them."
The Conservatives have so far refused to talk about the fines, no doubt for fear of making their actions more known to the public since they attempted to make the messages look to be from ordinary citizens. Or perhaps Scheer doesn't want his extremely generous donors knowing what he's had to spend their money on. But those are just this writer's speculations. If any Conservatives do comment or there are any more developments, we'll let you know dear readers, so refresh your page every few minutes for the latest updates!

Doug Ford reveals plan to allow betting on kids' performance in school

Doug Ford looking over "his racehorses" in test of his school betting plan

Doug Ford revealed a new plan to help fund schools, by allowing people to bet on children's performances. "We bet on horse races, so why not kid races?" Ford said. "That's easy to do, that's why we're here today, to do some dry runs. Heh, I just got that, dry run. Anyway, as part of my efforts to expand gambling options in Ontario, we're going to be having some kids run today and I've setup some of my friend to bet on them. In the future we want to bet on more than racing, like tests, projects, exams, all that stuff that kids get judged on. They're already going to be judged on all that anyway, so we should be profiting off it."
"So what we're looking to do is set up cameras in all the classrooms, we got a Chinese firm already offering us a good deal, which will let us stream the kids to people out there so they can watch how they're doing and then bet on how which kids they think will do well on the next test or project or whatever. This will also help with larger class sizes since we'll have more eyes in the classroom, and if kids are getting a lot of bets on them they might even be able to take a cut of that money for themselves. It'll be a great incentive to do well in school."
Critics have been quick to point out the privacy concerns of live-streaming children, as well as the possibility of making grades a competition between the children with cash prizes. Doug dismissed these concerns, saying "Kids already have tons of cellphones, they don't have any privacy anymore, so stop whining. Kids have to learn don't they, and what better way to learn they'll always be minnows that by letting sharks watch them all the time and maybe throw them some fish food if they perform well. It'll be teaching kids about real life, that's all I've ever tried to do, teach kids about real life. You try to impress people, you knock up some broad up, you inherit a business from your father, you get hated by people for telling them the truth, that's life you know. So teaching that to kids is a good thing isn't it? Now then, I've got to get over to the betting table, the races are about to begin."
Doug then proceeded to loose $200 on the kid races that day, although we were unable to confirm if that was real money or test money as Doug didn't seem to want to talk about it, saying it "wasn't worth paying attention to". We'll let our readers know more, like how to identify the best kids to bet on, in the future, so keep tuned fine readers!

Doug Ford reveals he wants TTC so he can let his friends run it

Doug Ford showing off his much ridiculed and full of spelling errors TTC plan in 2014

In a surprising move, Doug Ford crashed a city council debate about his proposal for the province to take over the TTC. Doug's proposal has been widely criticized by everyone, from people who don't think municipal transit should be managed by provincial politicians and if Ford is successful in taking the TTC he'll have to take all the other transit authorities in Ontario, to Ford supporters who want Doug to move on from his failed bid to be Toronto's mayor back in 2014.
"It's really childish," said Shelley Tapp, the Ontario deputy minister of transportation, who was literally dragged to the debate by Doug. "He really can't let the fact that he lost go, it's one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen, and it's pulling resources from dealing with more important issue that affect all Ontarians, like taxes on the rich. Plus it means I keep having to work with that despicable Ford crony Michael Lindsay [Doug's special adviser to himself on making sure they acquire the TTC], ugh. I can't wait for the Conservatives to get rid of him for wasting so much time like this."
Doug spoke at length about why he wanted things to go the way he wanted, although gave little detail as to what he actually wanted to do with the TTC. "You know I want to keep these kinds meetings behind closed doors and not where reporters can report on them because I don't want those damn Torontonians who wouldn't recognize a good mayor if he sold drugs right in front of them to get all 'You can't hire unqualified people just because they're your friend' and 'oh you can't just spend some of the money on kickbacks for friends who are black mailing you with video of you selling drugs which is what got your dumb ass brother into so much shit', all that damn political correct junk. I'm the premier, don't I get to decide what's correct in politics now?"
"I want to put my own mark on the TTC, so people will forever remember me when they use the TTC, and I also want to use it to give some, uh, qualified people I am familiar with, like Michael Lindsay. Michael, Michael come here," Doug said as he pulled Michael up to the podium as Michael had tried to leave the room. "I gave him this job to help me take over the TTC, and once we take it over, I'm going to have him in charge of the day to day stuff at the TTC, and I know lots of other qualified people I can have work at my depart of TTC management. Since it's not a legal position, I won't have people protesting any appointments this time. So remember, the people I know are absolutely qualified for their positions and are by no means compromised by knowing me in anyway. I'm sure anybody who know my family and our history can say there isn't a thing that's compromising about us." Michael at that point used the opportunity as Doug distracted himself with family memories to slip away and avoid further time in the spotlight.
Doug proceeded to ramble on for several more minutes about how excited he was to "look at alternative delivery methods for human beings", the "different possible technologies we can overcharge to install", and how Toronto needed a "truly unique transit system like no city has ever seen", before being whisked away by his security without clarifying any details of his plans or answering any questions. The city council proceeded to finally return to their debate, with many agreeing that this was no doubt an example of what having Doug involved in the process would be like.
The debate wasn't settled at the time of this writing, as Doug's interruption delayed the city council's schedule, but we'll let our readers know when we learn more. Stay tuned and refresh your page every hour to see if we post more!

Preacher asks God to strike him down if Trump is bad, gets electrocuted by microphone

Preacher Matt Powell before saying something stupid

A preacher in Peach Waters, South Carolina was electrocuted during a Monday Mass after proclaiming that if Trump was a bad person, may God strike him down. This has caused heavy debate in the community about whether this was in fact an act of God or not.
The indecent occurred at the 1st Church of Peach Waters during their regular Monday Morning Mass, a tradition in Peach Water since 1861, when preacher Matt Smith took to the podium to begin preaching about trusting your neighbor at their word and not asking too many questions, least you make yourself upset. Those in attendance believe that Smith's speech was motivated by the Mueller Report finally being finished but being blocked from release by Trump and his associates, and say that Smith seemed more agitated than he usually did. Smith then seemed to go off on a rambling tangent about Trump, saying that he wasn't really that bad, and that those who voted for him shouldn't have to worry about being judged for that choice when they face entry to heaven.
"He seemed really worried, and was more asking for confirmation than preaching" said Agnes Anderson, a regular to the church for over 50 years. "It was like he was worried about his own soul being judged, like he realized he'd ignored signs of a bad man trying to do bad things and still helped that man do bad thing, and that maybe it'll come back on him in the next life."
Smith then proceeded to preach that Trump wasn't that bad and his supporters wouldn't be negatively judged in the afterlife, and if he was wrong, then God would send a message and strike him down. It was at that point that Smith touched the church microphone he was speaking into and was electrocuted. "He convulsed something awful, like Satan was trying to leave his body," Agnes commented. Emergency services were quickly called and Smith was rushed to hospital, where he is reportedly in stable but serious condition, and has remained in a medically induced coma at the time of this writing.
The community of Peach Waters has since been divided as whether this was in fact an act of God or just bad wiring. Most citizens we were able to speak to are currently unwilling to settle on one side or the other, with some suggestion that it was God using the bad wiring to send a message, but it seems for most are still debating the event and considering it's meaning.
We'll keep our readers updated as we learn more, but what do you think? Was it an act of God, or something else? Leave a comment and express yourself!

UCP urges Alberta to secede to stop RCMP investigation into UCP

United Conservative Party Leader Jason Kenney taking questions from police

Jason Kenney has delivered a statement saying that 50 percent of Albertans want to leave Canadian due to tension in their hearts over the ongoing investigation into the UCP by the RCMP, and efforts by federal and provincial governments efforts to reduce damage to human health and the environmental. Kenney and the UCP is currently under investigation by the RCMP for election meddling after it was revealed that Kenney had another candidate, Jeff Callaway, enter the UCP 2017 Leadership race under his direction and funding in order to damage the campaigns of Kenney's rivals.
Kenney, upset that the public has learned about this, has spent most of the 2019 Alberta Election trying to distract Albertan, Canadians and the police from these events, and so has been delivering statements like this at various campaign stops.
The current leader in the polls and returning champion Alberta Premier NDP Leader Rachel Notley has taken full advantage of Kenney's scandals to also bring up his poor track record in both the Alberta and Canadian legislator. Kenney has been trailing in the polls to Notley since just after the election started when this scandal became public knowledge, and has according to staff become "desperate for any sort of win," even going so far as to try and get Ontario Premier Doug Ford and even US President Donald Trump to give him an endorsement, but so far neither has made any official statement about Kenney.
We'll keep our readers updated on Kenney's further scandals and the 2019 Alberta Election as we learn more.

Doug Ford demands Ontarians keep their electricity bill high

With the cancellation of numerous electricity conservation programs in the last year despite having a history of success, Doug Ford made clear his demands that people in Ontario keep their electrical bills high so that he could charge them more. "People need to remember that when they lower their electricity, they're not helping the environment like they think, but instead hurting the government. The government runs the electricity after all, so if you're loyal to the government, you'll run up a high electricity bill. It's that simple. So even through it's spring, turn up all your heaters, make your home a tropical paradise. It's the best thing for your government, and you. And you want to do what's best for the government right? Because not doing what's best for the government causes the government to not do what's best for you, if you catch my drift."
Doug Ford ended his announcement with the statement that everyone in Ontario should aim for a six figure electrical bill to best support the province, and that they can look forward to more actions that would help them keep that number high.

Doug Ford says "learning about politics" to blame for student protests

Doug Ford laughing at students while Environment Minister Rod Phillips looks on

Doug Ford is angry at students for their ongoing protests over his cuts to education. "These kids shouldn't be learning about politics," he said in speech today, "they're too young to learn about those kinds of things. Just like how they're too young to learn about their bodies. Kids these days are just too young to learn about real world problems, so they should be happy I'm making it easier for them, that I'm taking them back to basics. Things like sex and politics, they're too complicated for kids! Kids shouldn't be learning about complicated things, they should be learning about simple things, like numbers and animals. Those are really simple, 2 and 2 are 4, cows go moo, that's the kind of stuff kids should be learning about. It's the kind of stuff I learned about after all, and look at how I turned out!"
When asked what he planned to do in response to the province wide student protest planned for April 4th, Ford replied "I'm going to have the OPP out in full force. These kids say it's a peaceful protest, but we all know how quick protests turn violent, so I'm arranging for a full display of force to remind students of their place. I'll be giving the OPP full authorization to us lethal force, just encase some of those kids bring weapons like I would."
Doug Ford then left to go to his next appointment as people tried to ask him more questions. We'll keep our readers updated as we learn more.

Doug Ford hires North Korean loyalty enforcer to monitor MPPs

Doug Ford before his announcement

Doug Ford announced today that in order to enforce the loyalty goals he has set out for Ontario MPPs, including mandatory clapping anytime he speaks and ignoring any of his contradictions, he has hired a North Korean loyalty enforcer. Ford spoke at the announcement "We are proud to announce closer ties to North Korea, thanks to the bridges Donald Trump has build, with the hiring of Kim Son-Won. Kim is one of North Korea's top loyalty enforcers and will be aiding me knowing where the loyalties of Ontario MPPs is and if any of them need to be investigated by the OPP for attempting to go against my wishes."
North Korea has been trying to build closer ties with western nations in the past few years, succeeding in arranging a few meeting with Donald Trump and getting him to give them concessions without having to give up anything, which garnered them some praise from China and Russia. It appears that this also drew the attention of Doug Ford, who reached out to North Korea not long after being elected Premier of Ontario hoping to acquire some first hand knowledge of North Korea's loyalty enforcement systems, one of the strongest such systems in the world. It seems that Ford was not only successful in making connections with North Korea, but was able to get them to lend one of their enforcers to help build Ford's loyalty in the MPPs. Not much is know about Kim Son-Won beyond having worked as a loyalty enforcer in North Korea for the past decade and comes highly recommended from top North Korean officials. He has so far not accepted any requests for interviews, but we'll keep reaching out.
MPPs have so far all had similar comments, saying they were "happy they no longer had to concern themselves with freewill," and were "looking forward to blindly following supreme leader Ford's desires." Some MPPs have even been swept away to newly created "loyalty camps" in Northern Ontario to help them learn how to be loyal to Doug Ford even faster. So far no reporter has been given access to these loyalty camps, but they reportedly offer a lot of physical activity and movie watching, which sounds like quite the camp to this reporter.
If we are able to gain access to one of these camps or an interview with the new enforcer, we'll let our readers know, so stay tuned.

Liberals attempt to throw next election by acting guilty

The Liberals have decided to throw the next federal election by acting guilty with the SNC-Lavalin scandal. The Liberals have shut down a probe into the scandal, making it clear to the public they think they're guilty and that they won't be able to prove themselves innocent under any circumstances, and by extension throwing the upcoming federal election this fall.
This has left Conservatives like Andrew Scheer practically giddy that they'll win, despite their own ongoing issues like Scheer's low popularity among average Canadians. Conservatives however are hopeful that they'll be able to win, despite problems like this and memories of Stephen Harper's failings, as well as several ongoing scandals with provincial Conservatives including Doug Ford's many unpopular proposals like increasing class sizes, and Alberta's UCP being investigated for campaign financial violations.
This combination has left some NDP members hopefully that they'll be able to win the federal election for once, and hoping to capitalize off the increased call for equality and social support by youth in Canada and the US. While the NDP has always had problems making their platform clear and relate-able to voters in the past, they have been taking notes from the socialist rise in the United States and are reportedly "gearing up for our best campaign yet" according to NDP staffers.
As such, it looks like the upcoming Federal election is going to be a two party race between the Conservatives and the NDP, at least so long as the Liberals continue to act like their incredibly guilty in the SNC-Lavalin Scandal. We'll keep out readers updated as we learn more.

Trump mixes up Incredible for Incontinent and Incompetent for while trying to describe himself

Donald Trump reminding his supporters he's hard of hearing

During a political rally today Trump attempted to repeatedly describe himself as Incredible, but instead referred to himself as both Incontinent and Incompetent. Those at the rally seemed confused by Trump's comments, and Trump later turned to Twitter to insist he had said incredible and that the audio system had been hacked by the Democrats to produce fake news, but amateur video captured by supports at the rally shows that he did in fact say both Incontinent and Incompetent when referring to himself.
Others have been calling Trump incompetent since well before he ran for President, with it becoming mainstream after Trump’s Taj Mahal casino, which opened in April 1990 in Atlantic City, caused him to declare bankruptcy for the first time. Since then Incompetent has become one of the most common words used in searches with Trump's name, and it's believed this association played a part in Trump's slip.
As for the incontinent mention, it has been long suggested that Trump wears adult diapers and part of the reason he regularly wears very ill fitting clothes, to disguise the fact that he wears adult diapers and is incontinent. Trump has regularly denied these claims, citing his claims that he is a germaphobe as why he could never wear a diaper.
Regardless, Trump's supports, even those that recorded the event, are insisting that he said incredible and ignore anything that says otherwise. We'll update our readers if anything changes, but we're not holding our breaths.

Ford to parents: "Larger class sizes will help cull weak children"

Doug Ford is sticking to his plans to increase class sizes in Ontario, as official statements from his office revealed today. The statement, called "Making Ontario Schools Better Through Better Student" cites studies that larger class sizes increase the rate of youth suicide, and that this will "help cull weak children from the system, making Ontario stronger as we focus our resources on the more deserving".
This has understandably upset school officials and parents, who are arguing that school environments shouldn't be ones that push children to suicide, let alone those environments being something governments want to create. This has spurned more calls for continuing protests against the embattled premier, with several youth organizers helping out. "We've been learning about how big a bully politicians like Mr Ford can be," 9th grader Samantha Dion commented at a protest, "and if he's going to act like that, something needs to be done to stop him. So we're going to protest him, and do whatever else we can think of." Student organizations are already brainstorming possibilities, ranging from peaceful protest to legal action, and are asking people to seek out and aid any local organizations that seek to challenge and protest Doug Ford.
If you know of any local protests or other interesting possibilities, please let us know in the comments below.

Republicans contemplating impeaching Trump to launch their presidential campaign

Several Republicans were reported having a meeting to discuss impeaching Donald Trump in an effort to boost their own chances of becoming the Republican presidential candidate. "It's not surprising," political analyst David Oyster commented, "given that Trump's been polling at his lowest yet, and the Democrats seem to be organizing themselves better this time, they're probably getting worried that if they let Trump continue as is they'll loose the election. Considering how the Mid-term Elections went, I can't blame them."

"Plus they have a lot to work with, given how, well deplorable Trump has been and his past actions are coming out to haunt him, they could easily jump on that and point out the contradictions in his actions. The question will be though, will there be an opportune time to flip on Donald? That's probably what this meeting was about, at what point do we toss him out. Because as much as the Republicans probably don't actually like Trump, they're probably afraid to split from the party line for fear of splitting the party. The Tea Party nearly did that, and they know that the Democrats are much more resistant to division within the party, so if the Republicans aren't united, there's a good chance the whole party will break apart. So they're probably just calculating the best time," Oyster concluded.

If we learn more about Republican secret meetings, we'll let our readers know.

There's nothing to see with Trump's grades, literally

When the news that Trump had his grades buried was revealed, many called foul, saying if they were as respectable as Trump claimed, he would have nothing to hide. However, new information coming to light suggests that Trump's grades are nothing to look at, in the very literal sense, in that Trump's grades were 0 across the board. Trump's school, New York Military Academy, grades students on a decimal scale rather than a letter grade, and it is being reported that Trump failed every class without gaining a single point, and would in fact flaunt this fact to his fellow classmates and say that it didn't matter, since his Father's money would get him through school regardless, and would slack off in class when forced to attend. Classmates that have agreed to comment so long as they remain anonymous so they don't have to deal with far right extremists, report that Trump was still regularly mocked about his failing grades and general stupidity, both to his face and behind his back. They said that Trump, with his thin skin and big ego, usually "became a whining crybaby about it, saying we'd regret it and that his Father would make us pay, but given that he could never remember any of our names, we were never worried," one of the classmates commented.
All of the classmates we were able to talk to also commented that they were surprised that Trump managed to go so long without landing in jail, attributing that to how corrupt the legal system currently is and how it treats rich people differently. They were so confident that Trump would end up in jail that they in fact made a pool on when he would be convicted, but reportedly since most of them though it would happen early, there are reportedly only 2 people left in the pool.
We'll let our readers know more about Trump's failures as we learn more details.

Study finds politicians that don't listen to scientists also give in to children's tantrums

A new preliminary study out of the US this week has revealed that politicians who voted with public opinion are extremely likely to give in to a child's temper tantrum when presented with one. The study selected a mix of federal and state level politicians, ranking them according to their "independent ideas" rating, based on factors like history of introducing new bills, number of scientific advisers on staff, and their voting history tracked closely with public opinions taken from google search results for their representative area, and with the aid of their staff put these politicians in a scenario alone with a child pretending to throw a temper tantrum. The children were actors instructed to act as temperamental as possible and demand all the ice cream, 3 large tubs of it, in a nearby freezer, while researchers and the child's parents watched.
While most politicians started by trying to find the child's parents without leaving the child alone, and a few attempted to ignore the child, but eventually all of the politicians interacted  with the child, and the researchers noted a direct correlation with their ranking and what they did. Those with "independent ideas" ratings in the bottom 20%, politicians who self identified as people who only did as their voters wanted, were 158% more likely that the next lowest 20% to give the child ice cream within 5 minutes of engaging the child, with the 23 lowest rated politicians completely caved to the child's demands and gave the child all 3 ice cream tubs. As the politician's rating increased,  the chances they would give the child ice cream decreased along with the amount of ice cream they would give the child, with the second highest 20% frequently managing to talk the child into accepting a spoonful of ice cream until their parents return and give the okay for the child to get more. The top 20% spent their interactions with the child talking to them and trying to help them calm down enough to have a discussion about why they wanted the ice cream, and how their parents would feel if they had ice cream with out them.
The researchers are still analyzing all of their data, but confirmed that "it was almost completely consistent between our ranking and how they handled [the child]. We're probably going to have to do some further studies after we're done compiling everything, but this research is very promising. I think we've got a lot to look forward here."
We'll update our readers when further studies are released.

Democrat Presidential Candidate begin auditions for animal associates

Two dogs waiting to begin their audition

As the 2020 Presidential Campaign heats up, several candidates have already been using their family pets for photo ops, and after Elizabeth Warren got favorable press with her dog Bailey, those without pets have begun their own actual auditions for animal associates. Jason Sangelo, a candidate from California who is holding auditions, with points awarded for tricks and performance. "They've got to be able to walk the walk," Jason explained, "I'm going to need these four legged friends to wow the crowd as much as I do. So far dogs are doing better than the cats, since they can do the agility course faster thanks to their longer legs, but there have been some cats holding their own. I may have to get one of each, that would cover both dog people and cat people as well, so I'd get better polling numbers there, we'll have to see, I've still got a few more days of auditions to go through, including some more unusual animals. There's a lot of talent here in California, and I plan on finding the best talent to help me on the campaign trail!" Jason pledged.

We'll keep our readers updated on more animal stories as they become available.

Republicans upset their new Tough on Crime bill would close Minimum Security Prisons

Butner Federal Correctional Institution, a Minimum Security Prison in North Carolina, USA

Republicans are upset at one another after it was pointed out by Democrats that their latest proposed Tough on Crime bill would cause nearly every Federally funded Minimum Security Prison in the USA to be closed due not being tough enough on crime. The new bill was in part designed to introduce "minimum punishment requirements" for prisoners, including things like mandatory solitary confinement, and that prisons that are unable to meet these requirements will loose their federal funding. The majority of Minimum Security Prisons however do not have things like solitary confinement, thus making them immediately fail the new requirements.
"I'm surprised more Republicans weren't aware of things like this, seeing as how a lot of them have been ending up in jails like these lately," Democrat staffer David Oyster told us. Republican donors are particularly upset at the Republicans for this oversight, given how many of them currently are in or have family in Minimum Security Prisons.
Republicans have promised to fix the issue by including exclusions for Minimum Security Prisons currently populated by a majority of members of the Republican party. We'll release a list of these prisons when it becomes available.

Trudeau supporters not angry, just disappointed he's just another politician

In the continuing wake of the ongoing SNC-Lavalin scandal, more and more Liberal supporters are expressing disappointing in Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. "We though he would be better, but it turns out he's just another politician like all the Liberals and Conservatives before him," former Trudeau fan David Oyster told La Satire Canadienne. "We were so hopeful he'd be a better person, that he'd bring the office to a higher standard, especially after the mess that Stephen Harper caused. I mean he's still better than Harper, but the fact that he'd put such a frankly horrible company ahead of Canadian values... it's just really disappointing. I'm not even angry at him really, just disappointed he's wasted his potential and become just another politician. Maybe it's time to give the NDP the reigns," Oyster concluded before walking away sadly.
We'll continue to update our readers as we learn more.

People getting Donald Trump to sign Bibles admit they're trying to piss off God

Donald Trump signing a Bible in Alabama

During a visit to tornado damaged Alabama Donald Trump was asked to sign some Bibles, something he was all to happy to do. However, it has come to light that these people aren't doing so out of admiration for Trump's Christian values, but in fact because of Trump's values are so far from Christian. David Oyster, one of the people who got Trump to sign a Bible, told reporters that "This is kind of a screw you to God. Like he keeps bringing tornadoes down on us even though we're good people, so we decided that if God isn't going to respect us, we aren't going to respect him, and we figured the best way to do that was to get his good book signed by someone who's openly broken all 10 commandments."

"And Trump, he's an cheating liar and bigot, and a bunch of other things that aren't polite to repeat in mixed company, so we figured there wouldn't be a greater screw you to God than getting Trump to sign the Holy Bible. After all, if God didn't strike Trump down for all his cheating, then what the heck is he doing?" Oyster concluded before storming off angrily.

We've reached out to Heaven for a comment, and will update you when we get their reply.

Ontario Conservatives trying to conceal identities when purchasing marijuana

With the legalization of marijuana continuing in Ontario, people have started seeing members of the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario at various weed stores purchasing product while trying to conceal their identities. One Conservative, who agreed to talk to us on the condition we keep their identity a secret, commented that "Before the legalization, it was nearly impossible for us to get our hand on any marijuana. Dealers seemed to be able to spot us a mile away and refused to have anything to do with us. I'm pretty sure they all though be we undercover cops, or wearing a wire or something. We'd have to get a staffer to get some for us, and let me tell you, we need it. Do you know how stressful it is contradicting ourselves and willfully ignoring facts every day? It's sooo much easier to get high and not think about it. Some of us have even started coming to work high, it's so easy with edibles. But we can't let Doug find out though, he's not a fan of public drug consumption," he said before whispering "we think the legalization has been cutting into his side business."
David Oyster, proprietor of "We Weed Weed", stated that he's seen several Conservatives in his store since legalization. "They think we wouldn't recognize them cause we're just a bunch of stoners," David commented, "but I do. I like to memorize all the politicians and where they stand on legalization, mostly just trying to keep the mind sharp even when I'm high you know? So they aren't expecting me to recognize them, but I do." David confirmed several Conservative visitors by showing us security tapes of their visits. "I don't say anything them being Conservative, cause most of the time they're acting a bit jumpy and nervous, since it's usually their first time and all so it would probably just upset them, and we're a judgement free zone here ya know? So we just try to act natural and inviting, and hope for the best. Most of them are respectful, some of them aren't though, those ones are just so wound-up ya know? So we usually offer them a free sample, a small bit of brownie or cookie, usually the ones that don't have weed, but we don't tell them that, they're so inexperienced they can't tell and start talking about how it immediately started working, that's the placebo effect at work, or maybe the chocolate, either way it'll get them calmed down."
David has expressed interest in getting more Conservatives to visit his shop, considering them an untapped market, and that even Doug Ford looks like he could benefit from a visit.

Donald Trump considers stopping wall construction after Mexican women call him attractive

Earlier today Donald Trump announced that, after receiving "many, many flattering complements from Mexican women" on Twitter, he was reconsidering the construction of his long maligned border wall. "I was getting all kinds of complements," Trump continued, "a lot of them had Spanish words in them, which I completely understood because I'm great at Spanish, but they said things like how I'm a 'grande polla', that means great politician, and how I'm Putin's 'puta', which means buddy, I'm happy to be Putin's buddy, it's important to have good relationships with other countries. One of them," he said getting out his phone, "one of them told me 'La mona aunque se vista de seda, mona se queda', which means if you dress in well it will impress people, that's why I always wear the suit and tie, gotta wear the suit and tie. One of them said my head looks like a lightbulb, because I'm very bright, very bright you know."
"A lot of them called me polla puta, cause I'm sure a great friend to politicians, I'm the best friend, I have so many politicians, nearly all of them, just lining up to be my friend, from all the countries, like Russia, and China, and Korea, both Koreas, so many, so many countries. They said some other things too that I like, I did, but Mike, he took one look at them and practically fainted, he's a light weight, a real light weight."
"But because these women have reached out and told me such beautiful, really, they were really beautiful complements, but thanks to them, I'm going to think about the border wall some more and what we can do to bring these people together to me, because these people, they want to meet me, they've said such nice things about me, and I want them to meet me, and we'll see where things go, you know?"
Trump said he was asking border patrol to help these women meet him, and would speak more about it when he met one of the women.

Flag Porn sees spike on PornHub after Trump Touch

Typical Flag Porn

After Donald Trump again touched a flag in what Mike Pence was quick to call "a sexual way", PornHub has reported a 270% increase in searches for Flag Porn. "Flag Porn has always been a steady if small category on our site," PornHub spokesman David Oyster reported. "It's always had it's devoted fans, especially in red states, but with Trump's recent... handsy approach with the flag, we've seen a spike in searches for Flag Porn. And it's not just the American flag," Oyster went on as he described the current top flag porn video, featuring two women painted as the American and UN flags engaging in some sort of wrestling match. We'll be conduction more research into the subject and report back as we learn more.

SNC-Lavalin pleased Trudeau taking most of the attention from their ongoing criminal prosecution

Officials at SNC-Lavalin have been reported as pleased that the ongoing allegations that Justin Trudeau and senior members of the Liberal party attempting to halt the criminal prosecution of SNC-Lavalin has distracted the public from SNC-Lavalin's criminal prosecution.

"He was going to have to do it one way or another," an SNC-Lavalin board member who wished to remain anonymous said, "and if he was stupid enough to go down in flames for it then we just hope the next PM will be smarter. That's cheaper for us at least since we don't have to start bribing new people, but if it has to be done it has to be done. But we're definitely going to be paying off people to talk more about Trudeau and ignore us, hopefully that'll make it so we can arrange a deal with the next PM before we have to actually deal with any fallout from our prosecution. We'll see how things go."

Doug Ford upset Basic Income improved participates lives

Doug Ford is lashing out at the results of a survey that asked participates of the Ontario Basic Income Pilot Program if they felt their lives were improved under the program, which got an overwhelmingly positive response. Common comments on the survey reported that it helped them feel confident, live happily and have less stress to deal with. More about the survey's results can be read in The Huffington Post's exclusive, but Doug Ford is crying foul.

"These people are saying the hand outs helped them find their self worth," Doug commented, "but people don't need self worth. I've never had any, and look at what I've done. Self worth is over rated. And screw all those studies showing lack of self worth pushes people to drugs, those two things are completely unrelated. The fact that my family has a history of no self worth and drug problems are a complete coincident," Doug said before storming off angrily. Doug's staff is reported to be frustrated at having to deal with him and have asked that studies stop contradicting his opinions before Doug assaults someone in anger.

Republicans start picking hills to die on after massive Trump inquiries revealed

After the U.S. House committees launched sweeping inquiries into Donald Trump and his associates, Republicans have begun fighting one another as they try to claim hills for their political carriers to die on.
While some Republicans managed to get an early start on this during the
Michael Cohen testimony last week and managing to earn some new nicknames, with notable stand outs including Jim "Bad Timing" Jordan, Paul "Knock-off Kinko's" Gosar, and Mark "Black Parader" Meadows, other Republicans have begun fighting one another over other possible hills to martyr their political careers over in an attempt to appease their base.

While none of them have managed to plant their flag into any one hill yet, rumors report that there has been much dispute over positions like "Frog Lover", a reference to White Supremacists co-opting the Pepe the Frog meme, "Nation Birther", a reference to the KKK's Birth of a Nation as well as Trump's racist Birther conspiracy, and "Red Republican", reportedly a reference to the Republican Party's subtle support of Vladimir Putin.

Alberta opposition leader asks people if they're better off under current leader, surprised that they like the person that won the vote more

Leader of the Alberta opposition UCP Jason Kenney tweeted on Friday asking people if they're feeling better off under the current NDP leadership in Alberta or if they were better off 4 years ago under his party, attempting to use the hashtag #BetterOffWithRachel, referencing NDP leader
@RachelNotley, to solidify his point, but missing out the clear grammatical problem with with his hashtag.
Experts have pointed out that Kenney's first mistake was framing his attempt at a poignant hashtag as positive statement about his opponent. "Politicians should rarely use sarcasm, especially in writing," expert David Oyster commented. "It makes it all to easy for people to see things the way the politicians don't want, like with this one, it got people thinking that they are in fact better off with Rachel. He should have tried to make it about him and gone with something like #BetterWithoutRachel, or #BetterBeforeRachel. Of course, knowing how technologically incompetent he is, he's lucky he didn't end up with something way more problematic, like #ThePastWasBetter or #BetterBefore. That would have landed him in a lot of hot water given some of the racist implications of hashtags like that."

It is unknown if Kenney or any other members of the UCP will be seeking potential technology training in an attempt to prevent situations like this from happening again, but experts are skeptical that they would even consider themselves in need of improvement.

BC Christian School finds out teacher has sex with boyfriend in her own home, removes her before children are exposed to example of healthy relationship

Two years ago Surrey Christian School in British Columbia declined to renew a teacher's contract after asking her questions about her sexual life and what she did in her home with her boyfriend and getting honest answers that made just about everyone in the room uncomfortable.
Surrey Christian School superintendent Dave Loewen, the one who asked all the teacher all the personal questions that he wouldn't ask his grandmother, has stated that he "doesn't think asking people about their sexual preferences and activity is discriminatory regardless of what they're wearing", before the school's lawyer added that even if it would absolutely be illegal at a public school, private Christian schools are exempt from all Human Rights Laws thanks to grandfathered religious laws that apply only to Christian Schools in Canada.
The BC government has so far refused to comment, no doubt aware that doing so would draw attention to the fact that they give $300 million in funding to these schools and are fully aware of how bad that would reflect on them given that these types of incidents have been increasing in Canada in the past few decades, as well as other unsavory incidents involving Christians that have been coming to light has caused public opinion of Christian organizations to decline and association with them to be frowned upon.

Equal Rights advocates and human rights lawyers are calling for a change to the current exemptions to human rights laws that these organizations have, saying that this is a "dark secret" and that talking about the situation helps shed light on it and make the public more aware of these violations.

Doug Ford imitates his idol Donald Trump, Fires OPP Deputy calling for Ford investigation

This morning Doug Ford continued to follow in his idol Donald Trump's footsteps by firing OPP Deputy Brad Blair, who has been vocally calling for investigations into several of Doug Ford's recent actions, including his on going attempt to appoint a close family friend to the position of OPP Chief.
While Doug has yet to make an official statement, several members of his Cabinet have commented that Doug is "just following his idol's actions," referencing Donald Trump's firing of FBI Director James Comey after the FBI began to investigate suspicious behavior of the Trump family and their associates during the 2016 election.

While Doug is usually hesitate to speak of his personal life fearing that he will repeat the mistakes of his brother Rob and incriminate himself, Conservatives will often talk about how Doug idolizes Trump, even asking them to call him "The Trump of the North", and is pro-ported to have a signed copy of Trump's "The Art of the Deal" is a secure glass case.